Santa grint the time pol.., p.1
Santa Grint (The Time Police), page 1
Copyright © 2022 Jodi Taylor
The right of Jodi Taylor to be identified as the Author of
the Work has been asserted by her in accordance with the
Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
First published in Great Britain in 2022 by
HEADLINE PUBLISHING GROUP
This Ebook edition published in 2022 by
HEADLINE PUBLISHING GROUP
1
Apart from any use permitted under UK copyright law,
this publication may only be reproduced, stored, or transmitted,
in any form, or by any means, with prior permission in writing of
the publishers or, in the case of reprographic production, in
accordance with the terms of licences issued by the
Copyright Licensing Agency.
All characters in this publication – other than the obvious
historical figures – are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons,
living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Cataloguing in Publication Data is available from the British Library
ISBN 978 1 0354 0274 8
Cover design by Sophie Ellis
HEADLINE PUBLISHING GROUP
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Contents
Title
Copyright
About the Author
Also By
About the Book
Roll Call
Santa Grint
Acknowledgements
Discover More About Jodi Taylor
About the Author
Jodi Taylor is the internationally bestselling author of the Chronicles of St Mary’s series, the story of a bunch of disaster prone individuals who investigate major historical events in contemporary time. Do NOT call it time travel! She is also the author of the Time Police series – a St Mary’s spin-off and gateway into the world of an all-powerful, international organisation who are NOTHING like St Mary’s. Except, when they are.
Alongside these, Jodi is known for her gripping supernatural thrillers featuring Elizabeth Cage, together with the enchanting Frogmorton Farm series – a fairy story for adults.
Born in Bristol and now living in Gloucester (facts both cities vigorously deny), she spent many years with her head somewhere else, much to the dismay of family, teachers and employers, before finally deciding to put all that daydreaming to good use and write a novel. Over twenty books later, she still has no idea what she wants to do when she grows up.
By Jodi Taylor and available from Headline
TIME POLICE SERIES
Doing Time
Hard Time
saving time
About Time
The Chronicles of St Mary’s series
Just One Damned Thing After Another
A Symphony of Echoes
A Second Chance
A Trail Through Time
No Time Like the Past
What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
Lies, Damned Lies, and History
And the Rest is History
An Argumentation of Historians
Hope for the Best
Plan For the Worst
another time, another place
A Catalogue of Catastrophe
Short-story collections
The Long and Short of It
Long Story Short
The Chronicles of St Mary’s digital shorts
When a Child is Born
Roman Holiday
Christmas Present
Ships and Stings and Wedding Rings
THE VERY FIRST DAMNED THING
The Great St Mary’s Day Out
My Name is Markham
A Perfect Storm
Christmas Past
Battersea Barricades
The Steam-Pump Jump
And Now For Something Completely Different
When Did You Last See Your Father?
Why is Nothing Ever Simple?
The Ordeal of the Haunted Room
The Toast of Time
TIME POLICE digital short
Santa Grint
Elizabeth Cage novels
White Silence
Dark Light
long shadows
Frogmorton Farm Series
The Nothing Girl
The Something Girl
Little Donkey (digital short)
joy to the world (digital short)
––––––––––––––
A Bachelor Establishment
About the Book
It all begins when the Time Police hold their first Children’s Christmas Party. Their most dangerous mission yet . . .
No good deed ever goes unpunished. Lt Grint succumbs to his softer side and soon lives to regret it. The combination of bubble universes, candy floss, a small boy, a toad named Mr Fluffy, Mount Fanboten, £6.5 million, and a love-struck Officer Lockland are all hard enough to believe, but imagine a situation so dire that only Officer Parrish can save the aforementioned Grint from a lengthy stay in prison. At least, he can – but will he?
And, most unlikely of all, has Commander Hay’s long-suffering adjutant finally experienced the first faint stirrings of romance? Is such a thing even possible?
Roll Call
Time Police Personnel
Commander Hay
Has had a Brilliant Idea.
Captain Farenden
Unsuccessful reindeer obtainer. On the other hand, he does meet a kindred spirit. Watch this space . . .
Major Callen
Manages to avoid any direct involvement. Smart.
Major Ellis
Is not about to have the best day.
Lt Grint
It’s all his fault. Everything is his fault. Even Jane thinks it’s his fault.
Lt North
Reluctant enabler.
Officer Curtis
You can’t teach children to eat jelly by numbers. I’m sorry, but you just can’t.
Officer Rockmeyer
Failing to fulfil the function of four fully trained sheepdogs.
Lt Fanboten
Concussed but does have a mountain named after him so not all bad.
Officer Schultz
Ventured too close to the koi pool and never seen since.
Officer Oti
Dubious sleigh-bell duplicator
Officer Parrish
Member of the by now legendary but for all the wrong reasons Team 236. Phallic balloon creator.
Officer Lockland
Grint’s partner in crime. Has a bit of a revelation in the garden shed.
Officer Farrell
In plain clothes again. Can be seen from space.
Miss Meiklejohn
Artificial snow manufacturer. Failed artificial snow deliverer.
Officer Kohl (Socko)
Reluctant Santa Claus.
Time Police helicopter pilot
Refuses to give his name for fear of retribution from the Union of Helicopter Pilots and Associated Trades.
Officer Hansen
Appearing in his alter ego of one-legged reindeer.
Officer Varma
Can hardly believe she’s risked her life going out with Team 236. AGAIN.
Commander Hay’s box of emergency tissues
A second outing!
More normal people
Tiffie
Sad. So sad. Her only friend is a toad.
Mr Fluffy
Aforementioned toad.
Fiona
Princess Fiona. And don’t you forget it.
Simon
Going to the seaside as soon as his legs are mended. His mum says so.
Receptionist at the Little Petals Residential Childcare Community for Exceptional Children
Bit of a mouthful. No one gets it right.
Francis of Assisi
Who’s she?
Raffy and Jugs
Not Brain of Britain material.
Ruth Wedderburn
Simon’s mum. Illegal? Not illegal? Immaterial, really. Smallhope and Pennyroyal have her in their sights.
Lady Amelia Smallhope
Hello again!
Pennyroyal
Her alleged butler.
Raymond Parrish
Possibly beginning to regret his son’s burgeoning sense of responsibility. His expensive burgeoning sense of responsibility.
Ms Steel
Instigator of the psychic link connecting all PAs throughout the universe. And benefits from a rather nice bottle of wine, as well.
Author note to self: write books with fewer characters in future.
Santa Grint
The story doesn’t really begin here, but it’s as good a starting place as any.
It was Captain Farenden’s habit to withdraw to his own office and give his commanding officer a few minutes’ peace at the end of their working day. On this occasion, however, and in anticipation of his commanding officer’s reaction, he had carefully left their connecting door ajar.
Commander Hay closed her last file, shut down her data table, and reached for her very excellent coffee, freshly brewed in her very excellent new coffee machine which, for some reason never adequately explained, had been installed in Captain Farenden’s office rather than her own. She switched on her screen. It was her habit to watch the early evening news broadcast – partly to keep herself up to date, but mostly to discover whether everyone else’s day had been as bad as hers.
Closing her eyes, she sipped slowly, relishing the end of an unexpectedly peaceful day. The internal difficulties of last year, while not exactly melted away, had certainly retreated to a safe distance. For the time being. Life, she felt, had improved to the extent that, even after all this time, the unfortunate combination of the Time Police and the partial destruction of quite a large area of the formerly respectable London borough of Mile End no longer featured quite so prominently in the headlines.
Life, however, having lured her into a false sense of security, now prepared to pounce.
This news station liked to end the daily bulletin on a happy note. To brighten the unremitting gloom, they said. The And Finally snippet was carefully selected to imply that never mind all the crap just regurgitated for the benefit of the viewing public, there might – just might – be hope for the human race after all, that there was no need to go off and end it all just yet, and look at this adorable skateboarding duck.
Captain Farenden grinned to himself and waited.
‘And finally,’ chirped the newsreader. ‘They’re calling him The Time Police Officer with a Heart. In an organisation not known for its humanitarianism, one single Time Police Officer has surprised us all.’
Captain Farenden began an internal countdown.
Ten.
Nine.
The silence from Commander Hay’s office was absolute.
Seven.
Six.
The newsreader’s voice continued. Unfamiliar words such as ‘Heart-warming . . . Compassion . . . Kindness . . .’ filtered through the open door.
Four.
‘Hope . . .’
Two.
‘Benevolence . . .’
One.
‘While no one knows the name of this Good Samaritan, all indications are that the Time Police have finally taken on board the barrage of criticism provoked by their actions in Mile End last year – actions which resulted in widespread damage to property and threat to life – and are even now moving towards a more . . .’
And . . . Lift-Off.
‘What the fire-truckity fire truck? Charlie?’
Captain Farenden got up and carefully arranged his face. ‘You called, ma’am?’
‘No, I bellowed. What the fire-trucking . . .’
‘Can I gather you’ve just seen the news, ma’am?’
‘The Time Police officer with a heart?’
‘Yes, ma’am.’
‘I don’t employ people to have fire-trucking hearts. I employ them to be hard-nosed bastards dedicated to keeping the Timeline straight. Who is this pillock? They didn’t give his name.’
‘Well, ma’am . . .’
‘Have him shot and thrown into the river. And then fish him out and do it again.’
‘Well, ma’am . . . actually . . .’
‘Come on – spit it out.’
Captain Farenden paused. Unkind people might have said he was savouring the moment. ‘Lt Grint, ma’am.’
She sagged back in her chair and then recovered. ‘You had me going there for a moment, Charlie. Good one.’
‘No, ma’am. It was Lt Grint.’
She sat up again. ‘They said he was overcome with compassion.’
‘Yes, ma’am.’
‘Concerned with the welfare of those less fortunate than himself.’
‘It’s a news bulletin, ma’am. I don’t think they concern themselves overly much with facts.’
She reached for her paper knife. ‘Bring me Lt Grint. Now. I intend to close my eyes and when I open them again, I want to see him standing in front of me. With a more than adequate explanation.’
‘To be fair, ma’am . . .’
‘I have no intention of being fair, Charlie. Get him up here now.’
‘He’s in a briefing right at this moment, ma’am. If you could wait fifteen minutes . . .’
‘How the hell did this happen? I mean – Team 236 – yes. I wouldn’t put anything past those three idiots, but Grint . . . ?’
‘Well, ma’am, you’ll remember, there was a fair amount of grief arising from the damage we did in Mile End.’
‘You mean when we displayed exceptional bravery and determination against overwhelming odds, and a heavily outnumbered Team 236 rescued a prominent member of those bottom-feeding, shit-spewing incompetents we’re supposed to regard as a functioning government?’
‘That is certainly one way of looking at it, ma’am. Many prefer to describe it as demolishing her house and those of her neighbours, destroying the road outside, damaging private vehicles and generally frightening the living daylights out of the honest, God-fearing citizens of Mile End.’
‘Didn’t we leave the sewers intact?’
‘We did, ma’am.’
‘Make a note, Charlie. Next time – take out the sewers first. Give them something to really complain about.’
‘So noted, ma’am.’
She sighed. ‘I still fail to see what any of this has to do with a certain recent news bulletin.’
‘Well, ma’am, again, if you remember, there was a meeting at the end of November . . .’
Cue flashback music and wavy images.
Commander Hay, her adjutant, Captain Farenden, and Majors Ellis and Callen were sitting around her briefing table. The Senior Officers’ meeting was drawing to a close. It had gone well. No one was dead. No one was even bleeding. Commander Hay carefully closed her last file. Major Ellis pushed back his chair.
‘Before you go, gentlemen . . .’
Recognising the signs of a commanding officer keeping the best to last, Major Ellis sighed, returned his seat to upright, closed his tray and prepared to assume the brace position. Commonly known as putting your head between your knees and kissing your arse goodbye.
His suspicions were well founded.
‘It would seem, gentlemen, that after Major Callen’s dramatic and slightly overenthusiastic helicopter rescue at Mile End earlier this year – and to try to persuade the government to bear its share of paying for the repairs – it has become necessary to improve our reputation a little. Project a more friendly, compassionate image. I intend, therefore, that next month – December – the Time Police will hold a children’s Christmas party.’
