About time, p.8
About Time, page 8
“I’m broken.”
“We’re all broken,” Elle responded quickly. “You’re going to have to do better than that.”
June took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I don’t really know what happened. I know I wasn’t thinking. I know I got scared, and it was the only thing I could think to do. I know I kissed you for the wrong reasons, and I’m so sorry about that. That wasn’t right. I used you, and I shouldn’t have.” June paused and worried her lower lip again.
“Oh.” Elle let out a breath, then sniffled.
June couldn’t decide if it was because Elle was sad or if the cold outside had just finally gotten to her. She shifted on her toes, scraping her shoes against the sidewalk to clear the cement in front of her of snow. She needed the distraction from what she was about to say.
“I should not have kissed you. It was wrong of me, and I’m so very sorry I put you in this position.”
There. She said it. The weight off her shoulders had been lifted, and she felt lighter. When she finally braved herself enough to look up into Elle’s eyes, the weight shifted back down, heavier than it had been before. Surprise. Disgust. Confusion. All that and more rang through in Elle’s expression, and June just wanted to wipe it all away and take back what she said.
Elle stepped forward and cupped her hand around June’s cheek. June leaned into the slight warmth before she could stop herself.
“Don’t be sorry. I wanted it to happen,” Elle whispered as she leaned forward.
June panicked. Her heart raced in her chest, a stampede of fear growing as they were about to dive over the cliff. June jumped back just as Elle’s lips touched hers, and she put space between them, shaking her head as she took one more step back for good measure.
“Stop.” June put her hand out to force Elle to quit moving toward her. “I can’t do this. I told you the other night—I can’t do this. I couldn’t then, and I can’t now.”
“Why not?”
June grasped for straws. She couldn’t lie. That would be the easiest way out of this mess. She could tell Elle that she didn’t like her, that she wasn’t attracted to her, that she didn’t want to see where this would go in the future—but she couldn’t lie.
Opening her mouth, June said the first thing she could think of. “We work at the same hospital. It would be awkward. It’s already awkward, and nothing has happened yet. We—we often work together in the Emergency Room, when I’m on call or get called in on a case. What would happen if we were fighting? I—I’m just not ready to take that chance. I can’t do this right now.”
Elle froze in her place. Her jaw opened and closed a few times before she sealed it shut.
“I’m sorry. I’m not explaining this well.” June resisted the urge to step forward and get close to Elle again. She had to maintain her distance in order to keep her wits about her. “I should not have kissed you. I kissed you for all the wrong reasons, and when and if I do kiss you again, I want it to be for all the right reasons. But right now, in this minute and hour and week, hell, maybe even year, this is not the right time.”
“Okay.” Elle’s voice was gravelly when she answered. “I guess it’s a good thing the end of the year is only like a month away.”
June feared Elle may have misunderstood, so she tried to explain it all over again. “I can’t right now. I’m so sorry. I feel like I’ve dragged you down the rabbit hole of no hope and confusion and manipulation. I assure you that was not my intention at all.”
“I don’t believe it ever was.” Elle gave her a wry smile. “Just out of curiosity, since you said you kissed me for all the wrong reasons, why did you kiss me?”
The weight in June’s stomach dropped even more, slamming into the ground below her. This had been the one part of the conversation she did not want to have. She hadn’t even worked through why she’d done it, just that she hadn’t done it because she wanted a relationship or was attracted to Elle or because she felt something akin to like for her. She’d done it—she couldn’t even begin to formulate an answer.
“I don’t know,” she whispered. “I’ve been trying to figure that out since it happened. I can’t answer you. I would love to, but I can’t.”
Nodding ever so carefully, Elle stepped away from June. “Well, when you do decide you can do something, like talk or explain what the hell has happened these last few days, I hope I’m willing to listen.”
Without so much as another word, Elle turned on her heel and headed inside. June was left, shuddering in the cold and the snow as she tried to figure out her next steps. She supposed she’d have to confront Lydia at some point in the near future. She couldn’t avoid her home any longer.
★
Elle purposely didn’t think about her confrontation with June until she was well enough at home with a glass and bottle of red wine. She sat on her couch in her immaculate living room and pondered. She had no idea what June had been bantering on about. All she could think when she’d gotten June’s text was pure joy that she’d be able to see her again and maybe even kiss her again.
Then…well, then their conversation and meetup had taken a very different turn. Elle finished off her first glass of wine and poured herself another. She worried the edging of the afghan she’d hastily thrown over her legs as she curled up in front of her unlit fireplace one more time.
June was confusing. They’d had so many good dates together, dates where both of them relaxed and enjoyed each other. They were getting to know each other. That night at the restaurant, Elle finally felt as though June had let down all her walls and was truly being herself. She’d utterly enjoyed the hours they’d spent there together.
And the kiss.
Elle smiled into her wineglass at the thought of it. Heat rose in her belly to her chest, causing her eyes to flutter shut as she remembered it. That had been hot. June had pulled her right into it, and she’d fallen willingly and fully into the embrace.
Her body tingled just at the thought of the kiss, of what they shared together. June had been rough but gentle at the same time, tugging her in closer until June was smashed between herself and the vehicle. The cold wind bit at their cheeks, but Elle didn’t care.
She moaned and shook the thoughts from her head. She had to stop doing that to herself. It wasn’t helping anything. Oh, how she wished they’d been able to explore a bit more and see just where whatever was happening could and would take them.
Instead, June had put a swift and sharp end to it all. Finishing off her second glass, Elle opted for a third. She wasn’t working that night and had all day to sleep if she wanted. She could easily sober up on her own with nothing to worry about. Taking the first sip of her next glass, she relaxed into her sofa and again tried to figure out what had transpired in the last few days.
They’d had a good date. No. They’d had a fantastic date. Everything had gone perfectly. They were flirting, they were enjoying each other’s company, they even shared dessert for Pete’s sake. And then…then June had gotten funky. She’d made a mad dash for the exit with hardly a word and then the kiss. Oh, that kiss.
Elle shook herself in a poor attempt to not get lost in the kiss again.
Then silence. Three days of horrible, mind-numbing, painful silence. Elle had tried to reach her, and she’d been ignored. She’d attempted to find her at work, and every time she’d gone in search of Chaplain Smart-Mouth, she couldn’t find her.
Then, finally, there was contact! But that only led to more confusion. An excuse that made no logical sense to anyone. She couldn’t be with her right then, but…did she even want to be with her? Growling out her frustration, Elle sunk farther into the sofa. Even June’s reasonings and excuses couldn’t answer that question for her, and perhaps, June herself couldn’t even answer it. Maybe that was the problem.
Elle had dealt with partners who were unsure of what they wanted, and she had no patience for it. Logan had been so wishy-washy about everything that Elle was sure he married her because it was expected and because he didn’t really know what he wanted. Well, he figured that out right quick after they moved there and attempted to start a life he clearly didn’t want.
She wasn’t up for that game again. She wanted someone who had a future in mind and where that future blended well with her hopes for the future. June didn’t seem like she was going to be that person. She seemed…confused herself. Disappointment rang through Elle’s chest, causing her to lift her fist to attempt to rub it out. Maybe it had been a good thing the kiss and June’s subsequent freak-out had happened. It had shown Elle early on June wasn’t right for her.
Though she still didn’t understand what the problem was. There was clearly something June was hiding and didn’t want to share. That also led to bad problems in a relationship. Elle knew that firsthand. Sighing, she abandoned her wineglass on the coffee table and headed to her bedroom.
It was time for her to move on. She had to be decisive here, just like she’d been over a month ago when Chaplain Smart-Mouth had got her started in the right direction again. She couldn’t let a bad relationship, or attempt at a bad relationship, get her down. Neither Logan nor June had power over her any longer.
Raising her chin up, Elle nodded at no one but herself. This was exactly where she needed to be and what she needed to be doing. Her life was going to be for her, and she was going to live it how she wanted. That would be with compassion, joy, and happiness. She wasn’t going to be the mean person she had been any longer, and she wasn’t going to be the woman just waiting on someone to show up magically at her door and sweep her off her feet. She’d waited for that with Logan for years, only to never have him show up.
Elle sat down at her computer and pulled up a search bar. She typed “Online Dating” into it before pressing enter and waiting for results. She was shocked by how many sites appeared. She skimmed through a few of them, determining they weren’t really for her before settling on a couple and setting up her main profile. Fifteen years of wrong relationships had only fueled her for finding the right one.
She spent the next hour filling out forms and submitting pictures of herself. It took far more energy than she had anticipated, and by the time she looked at the clock again, it was nearing ten in the morning. She let out a breath and slid her chair away from the computer. That would have to be good enough. Tomorrow would be a new day, and she could start fresh. If June ever did decide to talk to her again, they could stick with being friends and confidantes and nothing more. She didn’t want to deal with someone who was unsure and lost in their own little world on a romantic level, but she could very easily see her and June becoming and staying fast and close friends.
She stripped off her scrubs, put them into the laundry basket, and walked barefoot and naked into her bathroom. She turned the water on hot and stepped under the spray, washing the day’s work from her. The dirt and the grime, the tension and heartache fell off her like it had never been there. She renewed herself, claimed herself once again, and when she was finished, she felt like a brand-new woman.
Elle was remaking herself and would continue to do so until she knew she was who she wanted to be. Her hair wrapped in a towel, she dried the droplets of water from her skin and slipped into shorts and a tank before climbing under her covers and plopping her head down on her pillow. Today, she would sleep well, and when she woke up, she would start creating and building the life she wanted, not the life anyone else wanted for her.
With the main overhead light turned off, Elle reached to the lamp on her nightstand and turned the knob, effectively plunging herself into shadowed light. It had taken her years to learn how to sleep during the day, but after so many, she was well practiced. Closing her eyes, she easily fell into a deep slumber.
Chapter Nine
The snowstorm outside raged on, and Elle’s day easily become one of the busiest of the year. She went from curtain to room and back again as she treated patients and walked with them through their emergencies. An hour from the end of her shift left her feeling as though her head was reeling and her heart was breaking.
Three patients had died that night. Several more were in intensive care, and she didn’t even want to try to count how many had been admitted for a minimum of one day. Rooms at the hospital were filling up with unnatural speed. Others had come and gone, and she barely remembered the coughs, colds, pains, and aches that brought them to see her. The Emergency Room was a place where a cacophony of people gathered and left.
With the snow falling in heavy blankets, the number of vehicle accidents had increased, along with the length of time it took for those injured or sick to reach her. Elle rubbed her forehead as she sat down for what felt like the first time that night—except it was morning. Seven already. Determined to at least make a dent in her charts, she sat at the computer and input information into it one patient at a time.
Elle sighed and stood up. She headed to the break room for another cup of coffee to keep her energized enough to work. As she was leaving the room with a full cup in hand, she stopped short. The woman standing over the front desk had a smile on her face. Her long blonde locks fell halfway down her back and curled slightly at the end. But her tone—that was what caught Elle’s attention. She was happy almost, pleasant for sure, an odd mixture to see in the Emergency Room.
Before she could turn and walk back to the nurses’ station and her computer, the woman straightened up and turned her gaze in Elle’s direction. The smile that turned up on her lips was almost feral. Elle felt glued to the spot, their gazes never breaking as the woman sauntered saucily over to her. Elle kept the cup of coffee firmly placed between both her hands as the pager for the hospital went off.
Chaplain Smart-Mouth was being requested to the Emergency Department. Elle ignored the sinking feeling in her stomach as the woman continued in her direction. She wore tan slacks and a winter jacket—the two only mixing in the dead of winter—but her lips were painted a bright red, her eyes dashed with smokey shadow which caused her pale-blue eyes to pop. Elle had to swallow down her gasp.
“Hello.” Her voice was like fine wine in the dead of night—sexy and deathly.
Elle cleared her throat. “Hi.”
“What’s your name?” The woman had a sultry look, her lower lip pushed out just slightly enough to make Elle wonder what it would be like to kiss it back into place.
“Giselle.”
“Beautiful. I’m Lydia.”
Elle nodded.
“Do you work here?”
“Uh…yes. I work in the Emergency Department.”
“Been working all night?”
Elle once again nodded, still not quite sure where the conversation was going, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave. “It’s been busy because of the snow.”
“I imagine.” Lydia gave a slight chuckle deep in her throat. It sent a shiver through Elle. Lydia hummed a response that Elle wasn’t quite sure was pleasure or disappointment. Ignoring it, she skimmed her eyes up and down Lydia again, taking in everything she had to offer.
“Well, perhaps, sometime when you’re not working, you and I could grab a drink and dinner somewhere.”
Elle’s lips parted in surprise. She started to shake her head but reminded herself that she was single and free and most certainly wanted to be dating again. Changing her mind, she nodded. “I think I’d like that very much.”
“Good. Give me your phone.”
“What?” Elle’s surprise was back.
“Your phone. So I can give you my number.”
“Oh!”
Elle reached into the pocket of her scrubs and pulled out the sleek device. She handed it over to Lydia, who made sure their fingers brushed, and waited as Lydia carefully put in her number, her name, and then dialed a number. Lydia held up her own phone and ended the call she had made before handing the phone back to Elle.
“There. Now I have your number too. When is your next free night?”
“Thursday.”
“I’ll see you Thursday, then.”
Without another word, Lydia went back to the front desk at the Emergency Room and leaned against it as if she were waiting on something. Elle shook her head, then shook herself free from the spot she seemed to be rooted to. It would be best to avoid Chaplain Smart-Mouth as much as she could. She made her way to her chair in front of the computer and set down her coffee. Rubbing her eyes and her temples, she shook her head once more with a smile on her face.
“What’s with that look?” Jerica asked.
Elle grinned. “I’ve got a date.”
“Whoa…what?”
“Yup. Didn’t think that would happen that fast. Guess I’ve got a sign on me that says ‘Single Desperate Woman.’” She laughed, as did Jerica. Next thing she knew, her phone was buzzing. Elle lifted it out of her pocket and stared down at the text message. “Apparently, my date is Thursday at seven.”
“That’s like two days from now.”
“Yeah,” Elle whispered. “Oh God…what do people wear on dates these days? I haven’t been on a date in over fifteen years.”
“Oh, sweetie, don’t worry. We’ll get you fixed up right.”
Elle chuckled. “I hope you do because I’m a bit lost on what I’m supposed to even do at…” she finished reading the text “…Madison’s Steak House.”
“Ohhh, that’s where you going? You been there? It’s amazing. Hands down.” Jerica grinned as she leaned against the desk. “Literally some of the best food I’ve ever had. I’ve only been there once, though. It’s pretty expensive, so out of my normal price range.”
Elle hummed to herself. She hoped Lydia hadn’t chosen that restaurant because she knew she was a doctor and expected her to pay for their first date. She shook the thought from her head immediately—already she was trying to ruin their chances at a relationship before it had even begun. Deciding to keep an open and optimistic mindset, Elle glanced up at Jerica.
“I may just ask you for advice tomorrow on what I should be wearing on this date.”
“Deal. I’ll look forward to it.”
