Shameless expectations, p.12
Shameless Expectations, page 12
Now that hadn’t happened ever. Not with anyone before. Athena bit her lip, keeping her eyes closed. She couldn’t look at Monti while she did this. She couldn’t think about the fact that Monti was touching her, and not really in the way that she wanted.
Athena stopped at that.
Not in the way she wanted.
Was that what this was? Was this arousal? The tingles continued to build in her chest, and her nipples hardened. But that could have been from the cold in the room, right? Her breathing steadied as Monti moved to the other side of her neck, pulling and manipulating her body to stretch the muscles.
It felt odd at first, but Athena couldn’t deny how it felt afterward. She kept her eyes closed while Monti moved her fingers back into Athena’s hair, thumbs down her forehead and against her cheeks. That sweet tension—and it was definitely sweet, not painful—increased in her chest again. Athena allowed it to grow, wanting to test it out and see what it was.
She liked Monti touching her.
“Did you want to talk?” Monti asked again, her voice a stark reminder that she was still in this room.
Not that Athena needed it. She was viscerally aware that Monti was in the room with her. She was aware of every fingertip that Monti moved against her, the way her body reacted to the touch. Heaving a breath, Athena tried to get ahold of herself.
“It’s not easy to talk,” Athena finally answered, her voice breathy.
What was happening to her?
“I don’t imagine it is.” Monti didn’t stop moving. Athena would never have expected a skilled massage could be the one thing to turn her into this blubbering puddle.
Athena relaxed again, the tingles floating through her chest and moving into her stomach and then lower. She let them go, curious if they would lead exactly where she thought they would. She’d read about this, in her books of course, and she wasn’t ignorant about what people felt when they were aroused. But she couldn’t remember ever feeling like this.
She’d thought she was broken.
She’d thought she was too destroyed for this.
They had taken everything that was her essence and ripped it to shreds right in front of her eyes. Athena swallowed the lump in her throat, her shoulders suddenly cold when Monti’s hands left her. Opening her eyes, she looked up to see Monti staring down at her with concern written all over her face.
“What?” Athena asked, her throat thick with mucus.
“You’re crying,” Monti said, so matter-of-factly. “I wanted to be sure you were okay or if I’d done—”
Athena shook her head, reaching up and wiping her cheeks. She hadn’t realized she was crying. “No, it’s fine. I’m fine.”
“Just another release of those pesky emotions?” Monti’s lips pulled up to one side, quirking in hope.
“Or something like that,” Athena mumbled, clearing her cheeks again. “You can continue.”
“Are you sure?” Monti pressed her palm fully on Athena’s shoulder, her dark eyes boring directly into Athena’s.
“Yes,” Athena whispered. Whatever was happening to her, she knew she didn’t want to give this up.
“It’s not abnormal, you know.” Monti started back on Athena’s shoulders, working the muscles in her neck and then around to her collarbones.
“What’s not?” Athena asked, again breathy and unable to control it. This slow slide out of control was the only way she could possibly do this—whatever this was, because she wasn’t even sure yet. But even though she was losing control, something about it felt right.
And good.
“The release of emotions, the tears. We hold a lot of emotion and trauma in our bodies, and as we start to work through it, our physical reactions can be explosive and odd and almost random.” Monti leaned closer, her breasts directly over Athena’s face.
Athena gulped.
“Do you mind if I start on your chest now? I didn’t want to move there without asking.”
“Uh… sure.” Athena held her breath as she waited to see what Monti would do next. Instead of standing at the edge of the bed like she had before, Monti climbed onto the mattress, the weight of her body dipping Athena toward her.
“Sorry. It’s the only way I can really reach under your arm since I don’t have a table anymore.”
Athena’s heart raced, but not for the reason she’d thought it would. Monti was so close to her. This was far more intimate than it had been the other day in the library. This was the closeness that she had longed for, that she’d read about, that she’d seen with others all around her. And yet, Monti was only there because she was paid to be there, because Athena hired her for a job.
“You don’t mind, do you?”
“No,” Athena answered quickly.
Warmth seeped from Monti’s body into hers even though they weren’t touching. Athena held her breath until Monti was settled next to her, looking her over as if to check and ask if this was all right. Athena nodded before she could even ask.
“This is fine.”
“Okay.” Monti smiled, her lips curving fully this time. “I’m going to move your arm in some awkward ways, and I’m going to massage here—” she pointed to Athena’s side “—and here—” she made a circular motion right around the tops of Athena’s breasts and across her ribs. “I promise I won’t touch you anywhere else.”
“I understand.” Athena waited for the first touch, for the first caress of fingers against skin, for that moment when Monti would be right against her and those tingles would coil tightly between her legs again.
Because yes, this was arousal.
Athena knew that now.
And she needed to see if it would continue to grow or if this was a fluke.
Monti started slowly, checking multiple times about the amount of pressure she was applying and if it was too much or too little. Athena answered the questions succinctly. As the massage continued, her cheeks heated, her chest tightened deliciously as she tried to keep herself contained. Monti didn’t need to know what she was thinking about, or hell, what she was feeling.
“Do you know what you were releasing?” Monti asked, that same balm in her voice that Athena had come to know and love. “You don’t have to share if you don’t want to. I’m just asking if you know what it was.”
“Yes,” Athena said before she could stop herself. She’d always known what the problem was. Her life growing up had been benign. She’d had two parents, and while it wasn’t always the most loving environment and she knew what the expectations were, she never felt slighted by them.
Her job was to marry, have an heir, and keep the money in the family. It had always been that. And she’d done that, for the most part. She’d done exactly what they asked. Only she and Kevin knew the truth, and they’d sworn to never tell anyone.
“I was raped.” The words were gone before she could stop them.
Tears pricked her eyes, her nose burning again. Athena held it back, focusing on Monti’s fingers that didn’t even miss a touch. She blew out a breath and looked directly into Monti’s gaze.
“I haven’t said that out loud in nearly twenty-two years.”
“How does it feel?”
Athena scrunched her nose, pushing a few tears over the edge of her eyes to fall down her cheeks and vanish. “Good and bad at the same time.”
Monti nodded slowly. “I get that. It’s an uncomfortable emotion, but it’s a relief to not be so alone in the discomfort.”
Swallowing hard, Athena nodded. “Spot on.”
“Thank you for sharing with me.”
“I wanted to.” Athena furrowed her brow, not quite sure why she’d finally opened up about it. It certainly wasn’t everything her life had become, but it was the tip of the iceberg. Relief flooded her, as if an afterthought to it all. She sank deeper into the mattress and smiled up at Monti. “I really did.”
“I’m proud of you.”
Monti’s words swelled in Athena’s chest, as if every woman in the world who had experienced something similar was holding her up in this one moment. Was this what true support felt like? Athena waited while Monti shifted around her body to the other side and started the same massage on her right side. This silence was comfortable. It was filled with understanding instead of pain.
Finally, it hit her why Monti hadn’t been surprised. Athena snagged Monti’s hand, holding her loosely to get her attention. “You knew, didn’t you?”
“I took an educated guess.” Monti raised an eyebrow and dropped her hands to her knees. “No one told me anything.”
“The only person who knows is Kevin, and he wouldn’t say anything.”
Monti nodded. “I worked with some trafficking victims when I was going through school. While the traumas are different, some of the responses can be tracked as patterns. That’s all I picked up on.”
Athena understood. As much as she didn’t like that Monti had figured it out, it made sense that she had. Athena pushed to a sitting position on the bed so they were almost face to face. With Monti still on her knees, they weren’t quite on even ground, but it didn’t feel as though Monti had the upper hand.
In fact, it had never felt like that.
Monti had always given her the grace to find her own way. That’s exactly what this had been all along, hadn’t it?
“Everything okay?” Monti asked, touching Athena’s upper arm lightly.
Athena stared down at the connection before closing her eyes and focusing on the touch. She was so comfortable with this, so connected to another person in ways she’d never been before. Athena looked directly into Monti’s eyes, into the dark browns that seemed darker in the dim light. The slight wrinkles around her eyes and lips, her lips that were so different from Fallon’s. Athena lost herself in her study of Monti’s features, the slight things that made her exactly who she was.
“Athena?” Monti tried again.
“Everything is good,” Athena finally replied, understanding that Monti needed that reassurance more than anything. It wasn’t about what she felt, but about communicating that with the person who was there to provide the safe space. “I’m good.”
“Okay,” Monti whispered, a hint of confusion in her voice still.
“I think I want to be done for today.”
“I understand.” Monti gave her a small smile. “I want you to take care of yourself when I go. Don’t go back to work, please.”
Work hadn’t even been a thought in Athena’s mind in all honesty. A long vacation was, perhaps to her beach home for a week. She could manage it. Dropping her gaze to Monti’s lips again, Athena breathed out as another thought of touch crossed her mind.
A kiss.
They’d been so close to that the other day, and Monti had retreated. Which again, Athena understood, and she stood by those rules and boundaries Monti was putting into place. Yet as much as Athena didn’t want to think about it, she couldn’t stop herself. Not after the arousal that she’d fully allowed to course through her body, to have free rein in her for the last hour.
Just what would it be like to be that close to someone again?
“Athena,” Monti chastised lightly. “Promise me you won’t work.”
“I promise I won’t work, not today.” Athena touched Monti’s hand, curling their fingers together again.
Why did this feel so right?
“Should we continue this tomorrow?”
“If that’s what you want.”
“It is.” Athena nodded, finally looking back into Monti’s eyes.
“Then I’ll see you tomorrow.” Monti scooted off the bed as if escaping.
That was something Athena couldn’t blame her for. She watched as Monti quickly collected her things in silence and nodded firmly at Athena as her goodbye. When the door was shut, Athena collapsed onto the bed again, her hands resting on her hips as she closed her eyes, imagining Monti’s hands, her fingers, her lips. Just what would it be like?
A kiss.
A touch.
A hope of something different.
fifteen
Today the rain was oppressive.
Monti wanted the sunshine on her face, the warm breeze as it blew across her skin, and the feeling of sand between her toes. She smiled at that thought. Maybe she really did need to take that trip with Fallon to Belize sooner rather than later. Rolling her shoulders, she closed her laptop as she stared at the house in front of her.
She’d been parked in Athena’s driveway for the better part of two hours, just waiting for their appointment time that day and killing the minutes in between. Since Monti had given up her job and gone on the road, this was the longest she had stayed in any one place. The itch to move was strong, and she had learned over the years that she needed to follow it.
Scratching the back of her head, Monti stretched her legs out on her bed and rolled her shoulders. She had fifteen minutes before she needed to go in. And she was mostly avoiding Fallon. They hadn’t rescheduled their lunch date yet, and as much as Monti wanted to spend time with her sister, she didn’t want to get caught up in even more of the drama of their family.
Eventually, Monti got out of the van and went inside. She was let in by a staff member who led her straight to the library. Instead of finding Athena there, she found a tray with tea. Frowning, Monti sat down in a wingback chair and steeped her tea bag as she waited. This was odd, even for Athena, who hadn’t shown any sign of knowing how to relax or even pause.
Monti rubbed her temple and closed her eyes. Where was that peace again? If she was going to have a few extra minutes, she might as well try a quick meditation. She followed her breathing, the gentle flow in and out of her lungs. She checked in with her entire body from head to toe, and then she stilled.
And waited.
The silence was deafening.
Which was the part she hated the most. She’d grown up with so much silence in her life that she’d become used to it, but those first few years had been loud. She might have been young when her parents died, but she vividly remembered the fights, the arguments, the yelling and thuds of fists being thrown against solid bodies.
She shuddered.
“Monti.”
Jerking with a start, Monti looked up into Athena’s curious gaze. Athena had her hands folded together in front of her, like she was just as scared of what Monti was capable of in the silence as Monti herself. Shaking her head to clear the memories from it, Monti forced a smile onto her lips.
“Sorry. I was lost in thought.”
“Glad to know I’m not the only one who does that.”
Monti shrugged and glanced down at her tea, which had no doubt steeped too long. She took it anyway and sipped the no longer hot liquid. Athena sat next to her, making her own tea and holding the mug as she stared out at the window.
Guess they weren’t diving headfirst into a massage today.
“Kevin and I got married shortly after it happened.”
“Oh?” Monti didn’t ask a question. She hadn’t expected Athena to just come out with information, but perhaps they had broken the dam that had clogged her up for so long and now everything was going to spill. She was going to have to maintain proper boundaries for Athena then, because it was clear she was struggling with doing it herself.
If last night was anything to go off.
They’d almost kissed. Again.
Or rather, Athena had almost kissed her. Monti just hadn’t pulled away. She hadn’t moved to put distance between them, but had held that sweet tension firmly. Her heart raced at the memory, because she had wanted to lean in and kiss Athena, see if her kisses were as sharp as her words. Monti doubted they were. In fact, she was willing to bet that Athena’s kisses were desperate.
“He’s been my best friend since I was five.”
Monti smiled at that. Kevin would be the perfect person to marry then. She assumed they were engaged before the event as Athena has called it, which would make sense. Sipping her tea again, Monti relaxed into the chair. If Athena wanted to talk today, then that’s what they would do. Monti wasn’t there to force her into anything or to make her do what Monti wanted. She was there to allow Athena the space for whatever it was she needed.
And if what she needed was to talk, then Monti would listen.
“Kevin left this morning.”
“For Simon’s birthday?”
“No.” Athena slid Monti a look, but it was sharp. It was imploring, as if she expected Monti to be able to figure out what was going on by reading between the lines. Except Athena had once again failed to give her the lines to read between.
It wasn’t the first time, and Monti doubted it would be the last. She kept quiet, hoping that Athena would continue on her own. Monti crossed her ankles and stretched them out in front of her. Athena had become quite comfortable since they had started working together, and until she was told otherwise, Monti was going to see that as a success.
“Kevin left to be with his long-term boyfriend, Clayton.”
“Oh.” Monti halted the cup as she moved it to her lips and stared directly at Athena. “How long have they been together?”
“Eight years, I think.” Athena stared into her cup, as though the tea leaves held all the answers to the questions she wasn’t willing to ask. “He stays there most of the year.”
“And when he’s here?”
“It’s for appearances.”
“Ah.” Monti’s heart sank, the understanding settling into her chest. “So did this begin as a marriage of convenience or become that?”
Why had she asked that? It wasn’t any of her business, not really. Athena and Kevin could live their lives exactly as they wanted. Then again, she was pretty sure that she wasn’t asking because of judgment. She was genuinely curious. Just what was their arrangement?
“It’s always been that.” Athena frowned, as if Monti should have understood that from something she’d said before. “He’s my best friend.”
“Right,” Monti stated, finally clicking with what she’d missed. “So if he has a partner, do you?”
