Shameless expectations, p.13
Shameless Expectations, page 13
Athena chuckled. “Can you imagine me with a partner? That’s amusing.”
Ah, the disparaging conversation that Monti had with herself so often. Except Athena’s belief of her own brokenness seemed to go even deeper than Monti’s. Monti wasn’t broken. She just didn’t want to break anyone else in the process of living.
“Have you wanted that with someone?”
Athena’s breath hitched. She settled her cup onto her thigh, but she didn’t raise her gaze to meet Monti’s. In fact, she didn’t even turn to look at Monti. She held still aside from rubbing her lips together, a clear sign that she was thinking through something.
Finally, Athena whispered, “No.”
Monti nodded her understanding. Athena had completely closed herself off from everything. “Does your marriage work for you? Or do you want something different?”
“It’s worked for decades.” Athena finally took a sip of her tea, her throat moving as she swallowed. But she immediately relaxed again. “We agreed to this before we got married.”
“That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard to watch him find love.”
Athena narrowed her gaze, her fingers tightening on the mug. “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
What if this really was working for them? At least as they needed it to for now. Casual relationships were a thing, and they both got something out of the marriage even if it wasn’t sex or romantic love. Monti had worked with polycules before and had always been fascinated by their ability and desire for open communication when it came to wants and needs. She’d just never quite felt the pull toward that beyond the communication.
Well, that and the fact that she wouldn’t be permanently attached to any one person in particular.
Monti ran her finger along the edge of the mug, listening to Athena’s regular breathing. Kevin and Athena must have found their own little way toward happiness. Even if Athena wasn’t truly happy or experiencing joy, it wasn’t because her marriage was on the rocks.
“We did it for Simon, you know.”
“Did what?”
“Got married.” Athena toyed with the tea bag, as if she was distracting herself from the conversation. “We needed a child, each of us, to carry on the family name. Why not have a child together?”
“But you said Kevin is gay, right?” Monti reached over and touched Athena’s arm lightly.
Athena glanced toward the door to the library. When she saw it was closed, she turned back to Monti. Her cheeks were pale and sunken. Was this the event that was haunting her again? Because she seemed comfortable with her marriage.
“He is.”
The silence this time was almost palpable. Monti waited for Athena to break it, realizing far too late that she wasn’t going to say the words. She wasn’t going to spill the last secret that she held.
“How many people know?” Monti held on to Athena’s hand, lacing their fingers tightly so Athena would know she was there.
“Two.” Athena sounded so small.
“I assume you lied on his birth certificate.”
Athena didn’t answer, but her lips thinned, and she stilled. That was as much confirmation as Monti needed. Monti stroked her thumb across the back of Athena’s hand, using the touch and the repetitive movement to keep the two of them connected.
“You do know that I’m bound by confidentiality. Anything you tell me, I won’t share.”
“There are ways around that.” Athena canted her head to the side. “You just have to know the right lawyer.”
“Would that be you?”
“Some days.” Athena drank her tea, but she turned her hand, facing their palms together so they truly grasped onto each other.
Monti shivered, her entire body wanted this. Hell, her mind wanted it too. Connection was what every human being craved, and to deny herself that basic need wouldn’t do her any good. It would leave her in an unbalanced state.
“Do you think your current case is affecting you?”
Athena chuckled lightly, and the sound sent a thrill though Monti. Her nipples hardened, and with the hand holding, she felt like she was really in a relationship. At least, if she allowed herself that fantasy for a few brief seconds it felt like that. “I wouldn’t be a good lawyer if it wasn’t.”
“Why do you take cases like that?”
“Because they deserve better than what I got.”
Monti hummed understanding. “So you think you got shafted.”
“Think?” Athena shook her head slowly, her eyes lighting with mischief. “I know I didn’t get justice. If I can help someone else find that, I’ll work my ass off for it.”
“So now you’re a modern-day Robin Hood.” Monti used her nail this time instead of the side of her thumb, adding a different sensation. Athena’s breath hitched, and her gaze dropped to their joined hands.
“Absolutely not.”
Monti was curious about that. How did Athena view herself if not the hero of this part of the story? She was clearly overcompensating for some things, but what did that mean to how she saw her role when it came to her career? Because she didn’t have to work, from Monti’s understanding.
“I imagine it’s similar to why you studied psychology,” Athena added.
“Why do you think I studied psychology?” Monti was intrigued now. Rarely did she hear people’s opinion on this. They would ask her, but they never blatantly assumed they were correct in whatever assumption they would make.
“Because you’re never completely broken and you’re never completely fixed. But you always have hope that there’s something better out there.” Athena locked their gazes together.
Monti’s stomach twisted in a knot, her heart racing. How the hell had Athena put that so succinctly? She was right. Without hope, Monti would never be where she was today. She just couldn’t figure out where that hope came from. And unfortunately, her hope never led to peace. Which was what she really craved.
“Tell me I’m wrong.” Athena looked almost giddy, as if she wanted Monti to confirm just how right she was.
But did Monti really want to do that? Did she want Athena to have that satisfaction? With a sigh, Monti shook her head. “I can’t.”
“Then we’re not so different after all, are we?”
“Somehow, I think we’re more similar than either one of us originally thought.”
sixteen
“Are you ready to start?” Monti’s voice was back to that confident calm that Athena always admired.
They’d spent the day before just talking, and that had been as much a balm to Athena as anything. Athena had never expected that. The talking had been so easy. It was never easy. Athena brushed her fingers against Monti’s arm, sliding them up to Monti’s shoulder as they stood in the doorway to the library.
Why had touching her become so easy?
Why couldn’t she seem to stop doing it?
Athena pressed her lips together and dropped her hand, her finger pads sliding against Monti’s hand before she put some distance between them. She hadn’t actually answered Monti’s question yet, and she knew that holding the silence wasn’t going to move them any closer to why they were there.
She knew eventually Monti would ask her again, needing permission before anything else could happen.
But Athena wanted to do things differently today. She wanted to take this a step further than they had before. With renewed vigor, Athena touched Monti’s hand again and slid their palms together with a squeeze.
“Yes, I’m ready.”
“Good.” Monti’s cheeks tinged a light pink.
The reaction sent a thrill into Athena’s chest. She held onto that sensation, to the closeness, the intimacy.
Athena stopped.
Hard.
Intimacy.
Is that what this was? She let go of Monti’s hand and folded her arms across her chest, but she could still feel Monti’s warm skin in hers. She could still imagine Monti’s skin brushing against her fingertips. Athena shuddered and closed her eyes, her breathing becoming ragged.
What the hell was happening to her?
Athena moved up on her toes before dropping back to her heels. They still hadn’t moved from the doorway to the library. They should have moved already, right? Athena stepped toward the door and said nothing as she walked through it with the assumption that Monti would follow her.
When they got to her bedroom, Athena walked straight to her en suite and stripped out of her shoes, socks, jacket, and bra. She caught sight of herself in the mirror and paused. Biting her lip, she looked herself over: her breasts that sagged a little lower than they did a few years ago, the smooth lines of her arms that were littered with freckles.
The shirt hid what was underneath. The scars on her skin that she’d hated to look at. She could picture them if she closed her eyes, but she didn’t want to do that. She wanted to have smooth, flawless skin like Monti did. She wanted to be young and carefree again, without all this baggage that weighed her down and made it impossible to do anything.
Today she would do that.
Or at least take one step closer to being the person she wanted to be.
With a steadying breath, Athena stepped out of the bathroom to find Monti had already set everything up. Athena walked silently and stopped in front of the bed and Monti. “I thought today we might do things a little differently.”
“Oh?” Monti raised an eyebrow and flitted her fingers over the pillow.
Athena stared down at Monti’s hands, that clog in her throat starting again. But she wanted to do this. She really did. She needed to become the person who wasn’t so afraid of living. “I thought I might take my clothes off today.”
When had she decided her pants were included in this?
“Are you sure?” Monti’s voice was firm, and her hand was on Athena’s upper arm. Warmth. Comfort. Safety.
It was exactly what Athena had needed to answer. She nodded, lifting her gaze to meet Monti’s eyes, those deep brown eyes that held so much, so tightly wound. Were they really so different from each other? Athena’s scars were just visible. Monti’s were so well masked no one would see them if they weren’t looking deep enough.
“Yes.”
“Okay.” Monti smiled, tightening her grasp on Athena’s arm before letting go. “I’ll get a blanket. Then I’ll go to the bathroom while you change, get under the blanket and we’ll go from there.”
Athena clenched her jaw, expecting anxiety to rear its ugly head in the center of her chest, but it didn’t. She felt around for it, waited for it, prepared for it. But it never came. Monti was gone before Athena realized it. Shaking her head, Athena sat on the edge of the mattress and took a moment for herself.
She was really doing this.
She hadn’t been willingly naked in front of someone other than a medical professional since she was in her teens. Tears brimmed in her eyes, and she blinked them back. She could do this. She just had to remember that she wanted this. Pulling her shirt off, Athena folded it carefully and set it on the nightstand. The cold air in the room caressed her skin, raising goosebumps along her chest and arms.
Her nipples hardened, pulling to tight little points, but without clothes or a bra on, she could feel the tightening all the more intensely. Athena slowly let out a breath, raising her hands to her breasts to warm them briefly, the scars such a different texture than the rest of her skin. She hated them.
Cringing, Athena dropped her hands to her waist and stood up. She was sure Monti would be knocking on the door and asking if she was ready at any moment. She pulled off her pants and folded them, setting them on top of the shirt. Athena climbed into the bed, laid on her back, and pulled the sheet and blanket over her chest and up to her chin.
“I’m ready,” she called, hoping that Monti would hear her. If they didn’t start now, Athena was going to chicken out. She was going to run away and never come back into this room. That or she was going to lock herself in the closet until Monti left.
It seemed like hours before the door to the en suite opened and Monti stepped into the room. But suddenly the entire feel of the room changed. It was warmer than before, and Athena’s comfort level eased back to where it had been before when she’d made this decision. Pressing her shoulders into the mattress, Athena stared up and waited for Monti to appear over her.
Monti put a hand on Athena’s shoulder. “How are you doing?”
“I’m fine.”
“Don’t brush it off, Athena.”
Athena sighed and held back the cringe. “I’m doing good.”
“Are you comfortable?”
“No,” Athena answered honestly. “But I am as comfortable as I can be.” She pursed her lips, looking up into Monti’s eyes. She wasn’t lying. Something about Monti’s presence comforted her, and she couldn’t even explain it.
“If you’re ready to begin, I’m going to lower the blanket a bit, just to the top of your chest.”
Athena’s heart jumped, but she nodded her agreement. Monti waited another second before moving swiftly and pulling the blanket to adjust it. She touched her hand to the top of Athena’s shoulder gently.
“I’m going to check in with you as often as possible, okay? If you want me to stop, just say so.”
“Okay,” Athena whispered.
“You mentioned some scarring before, and I can see the start of it. Have you ever had red light therapy?”
Athena’s brain spun. She had no idea what Monti was talking about. Athena bit the inside of her cheek.
“It’s just a little red light that I wave over your skin. It’ll help heal the scar tissue.”
“There’s something that can do that?”
“It can help.” Monti smiled down at her, her beautiful lips curling up.
Athena’s heart thundered. “Then let’s do it.”
Monti shifted, but she didn’t walk away. She grabbed something out of a bag that Athena hadn’t even seen on the bed. She must have been so distracted by everything else. She was never this distracted. Watching every move Monti made, Athena waited to see what would happen next.
Monti did exactly as she said, and she waved the light directly over the scars at the top of Athena’s chest. But Athena had so many more scars than that, so many that Monti hadn’t even begun to see yet. But Monti put the light down and grabbed her oil, rubbing it between her hands.
“I’m proud of you,” Monti murmured.
“What?” Athena bit back the word with a moan as Monti dug her thumbs directly into a very stiff muscle in her neck.
“I’m proud. I never thought I’d see the day when you’d do this.”
“Do what?” Athena swallowed the lump forming in her throat again and tried to relax. But Monti’s gentle words, her firm hands, the smooth glide of her fingers slick against Athena’s skin—it all pooled between her legs, stirring Athena in ways she’d started to feel before. But this time it was so much more intense. Athena focused on it, using it to distract herself from the fact that she was almost completely naked with another woman touching her.
“When you’d willingly start to take off your armor.”
Athena tensed, clenching her thighs together when everything was suddenly so hot she almost couldn’t stand it. It felt slick and wet. She swallowed hard as Monti continued to work her body, teasing the tension right out of her. Athena’s cheeks heated, her chest tightening. Was this really happening now?
“Let’s turn you onto your stomach,” Monti murmured.
Monti held the blanket at an angle and turned her head away. Athena closed her eyes and flipped over, shifting until she was settled. Monti folded the blanket down to Athena’s lower back, tucking the flat sheet into the waistband of her underwear.
Athena waited for the comments. She waited for Monti to say something about the scars like everyone who saw them did. But she was met with silence, then the warmth of what she could only assume was the red light. Eventually it stopped, and Monti’s warm hands were on her again. Monti told her everything that she was going to touch and do, checked in multiple times to make sure that Athena was comfortable with it.
When she started on Athena’s legs, working up to Athena’s thighs, that same hot sensation as before came back instantly. It was a force to be reckoned with. Athena took deep breaths and closed her eyes, trying to figure out what was going on, but she couldn’t. Her entire body felt like it was electrified, and every time Monti moved her hands up and then down, that sensation intensified.
Athena struggled to stay still, her hips wiggling each time Monti stroked her.
No.
Not stroked.
That wasn’t what this was.
Biting her cheek again to keep everything at bay, Athena clenched her eyes. Monti’s movements slowed, and Athena’s heart rapped hard against her ribcage, like she couldn’t keep any of it in. She was just about to make Monti stop when the sheet was pressed over her skin again. Athena breathed out relief. Maybe they were done and Athena could crawl back into her hole.
“Is everything all right?” Monti’s voice was gentle.
Athena lifted up, her elbows under her so she could look up into Monti’s eyes. “Yes.”
“Why don’t you turn over. I’d like to work on your chest again.”
Fuck.
Athena clenched her jaw hard. But she did exactly what she was told. Once she was on her back again, Monti shifted a towel to cover Athena’s breasts before scooting the blanket off her chest and down to her hips. More exposed than ever, Athena blinked tears again.
“I’m sorry about the scars,” Athena whispered.
“Never apologize for something you didn’t cause and can’t control.” Monti sat on the edge of the mattress. “Do you want me to continue?”
“I don’t know.” Athena clenched her fists.
“All right, then we’ll pause here for a minute.” Monti scooted onto the bed even more, stretching out so Athena could see her completely. “We’ll let you figure this out.”
“Figure what out?”
“Whatever put your brakes on.”
Athena wrinkled her nose. She’d never been so comfortable naked in front of someone before, her scars on display for everyone who walked in to see. But Athena knew, without a doubt, that Monti wouldn’t let anyone come in there.
