Shameless expectations, p.5
Shameless Expectations, page 5
“No,” Monti finally answered, brought back to reality by Athena’s voice. “But I believe finding inner peace is an ongoing process. I’m not sure it’s ever complete. Though I know many religions and religious leaders would say otherwise.”
“So would many therapists.”
“I’m not like many therapists.” Monti’s palms were clammy. Why did she feel like she was under fire?
“Of course not. Everyone is unique and different.” The comment was flippant, and it stung.
Monti wasn’t about to let Athena in on that fact, however. She didn’t need more ammunition to toss Monti out. And what Monti really needed to do was figure out if the attitude was because Athena was exhausted or if she really was that cruel-hearted.
Clenching her teeth, Monti settled her heart and calmed the defensiveness that rose up in her chest. That would only be a hindrance in this conversation. “The idea in any therapeutic situation, whether it's psychological, medical, or massage, is to create a safe space. I need to make sure you feel that, otherwise our session today won’t go forward.”
Athena stared directly at Monti, her eyes wide. Though Monti couldn’t read the emotion running through her.
“Do you trust me?” Monti asked.
“You’ve done nothing to earn my trust,” Athena barked back.
“I’ve shown up twice, and the first time, you did sleep. I’d say that’s a small amount of trustworthiness.”
Athena canted her head to the side, the lines of her neck long and tense. She swallowed, her throat tightening before it relaxed. The muscles in her cheeks followed suit, dropping as Athena slowly closed her eyes and opened them again. “Yes, you’re right.”
Monti hadn’t expected that. But she would take the win. “The last time I was here, I massaged your hands and your scalp. How was that for you?”
“It was good.” Athena rested her head against the chair. She seemed so aloof, but Monti was pretty sure this was entirely because of the lack of sleep.
“Good. I’m glad. I’d like today to work on a little more than your hands and scalp, considering that didn’t seem to resolve the problem.”
Athena hummed. “What do you want to touch?”
“Your shoulders and neck. Upper arms if you’ll allow it. You don’t need to take your clothes off, since I doubt that would make you more comfortable. But if you could remove your jacket…” Monti trailed off, already noting the tension rising in the room and seeing Athena’s pulse skyrocket in the line of her neck.
“I don’t like to be touched.”
“I know,” Monti responded, softening her voice immediately. This was delicate territory she was walking through. “And I’ll respect whatever you tell me. I do believe that you hold a lot of tension in your neck and shoulders. I imagine you’re in more pain than you realize.”
Athena shifted, turning her upper body in order to look Monti directly in the eye. A thrill of hope ran through Monti’s chest and settled into her stomach. This must be it, the moment she had been waiting for when they would take another step forward. Monti stayed still, scared she would frighten Athena back into her hidey-hole.
Athena raised a hand to her ear, brushing an invisible strand of hair, but she didn’t tear her gaze from Monti’s. Her words were precise and without ire as she spoke.
“You have no earthly idea.”
six
Every noise was loud in Athena’s ears. Her breath. Her heart. Her brain that just wouldn’t shut the fuck up already. That part of her that clogged her throat anytime she tried to do something outside of her comfort zone. She clenched her jaw, her molars grinding against each other and the sound reverberating through her head.
Even Monti was loud. The shifting of the fabric of her pants against the chair, the weight of her body as the springs groaned under her movement. The clicking of her nails against each other as she rubbed the backs of her fingers and waited for a response.
That panic.
It clawed at her.
Athena struggled to push it back down in her chest. She was safe here. She was always safe in this house. And Monti had done nothing that should set her on edge. So why was she? Was it only because Monti needed to touch her? Because of the scars and hidden secrets that might be revealed?
“You need to breathe,” Monti’s voice was gentle, and it floated to Athena’s ears like a sweet balm.
Sucking cold air into her lungs, Athena breathed relief. When had she started holding her breath? Her brain was awash with everything lately. She just needed to get back to work. She needed to get back to normal.
“Athena.” Again, Monti’s voice in that calm, sweet tone. “Count to six.”
Furrowing her brow, Athena did as she was told. This was something tangible that she could grasp onto, something to focus on that could center this racing mind of hers. When she got to six, she started again. Athena lost count how many times she had gone from one to six, but when she opened her eyes and looked at Monti, she could tell it had been too long. There was worry etched into her sweet young face, into the lines just starting to form around her eyes and her lips.
“Now count backward.”
“This is horse—”
“Athena,” Monti said firmly, her look stern. “Count backward.”
Biting her tongue, Athena did as she was told. Though she only did it three times before a sense of calm took root in the center of her chest. She’d been missing that before. She clasped onto it and refused to let it go. The longer she focused on it, the bigger it grew. Eventually, Athena looked into Monti’s curious brown eyes and nodded.
“Thank you,” Athena murmured, making sure her voice wasn’t too loud.
“I think that might be enough for today.”
“No.” Athena gripped the arms of the chair tightly, using them as her lifeline. When the same panic didn’t swell in her chest again, she knew she’d made the right decision.
“I don’t want to push you.”
“You’re not pushing me.” Athena leaned forward in the chair and reached to her belly, undoing the three buttons on her jacket. She needed this. She needed to stop hiding and allowing everything to control her. And if one more person came into that inner circle, how awful could it be? A massage, especially clothed, was nothing. And she did trust Monti to listen to her no matter what. At least in these circumstances. She was paid to be there.
Monti watched with rapt attention as Athena shifted to pull her jacket off, the sleeves leaving her skin bare to the chill in the room. She resisted the urge to shiver as goosebumps slid up her arms. She couldn’t remember the last time anyone had seen her like this other than a doctor. And if she mentally put Monti into that same category, maybe she could make it through this.
But Monti was anything but a cold, aloof, clinical doctor.
Even just being in her presence twice, Athena was certain of that.
Monti was young, lithe, full of energy and excitement. And she was damn cute.
Athena folded her jacket and rested it over the arm of the chair. Her back was ramrod straight, tight with tension, as she faced Monti and waited to see what would happen next. Where would Monti touch her? Where would the tension go when she did? Because last time…last time it had vanished into the ether.
“Why push yourself?” Monti asked.
Athena’s lower lip quivered. She hadn’t thought that Monti had understood that subtlety. But she didn’t know why. She couldn’t answer. Tears sprang to her eyes again, stinging, but she blinked and pulled them back in.
What was wrong with her?
“Something needs to change,” Athena gave the best non-answer she could come up with on the fly.
“I agree.” Monti leaned forward, elbows on her knees, but she didn’t break Athena’s gaze. “But my question was why?”
“Because…this isn’t working.”
“What’s not working?”
Why did Monti have to be so infuriating with her questions? All Athena wanted to do was sleep, and in order to do that, something had to give. If that was allowing Monti to touch her again, then that’s what it would be.
“I’m not working,” Athena whispered out loud. Though she’d thought the words at first were only bumbling around in her brain. “In this current state, I’m too exhausted to think.”
“Something else we can agree on.” Monti reached forward and held out her hand, as if expecting Athena to touch her willingly, to slide her fingers against Monti’s.
But she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t force her body to move.
“Athena.”
Again that balm, that constant reminder that there were years of anguish etched into Athena’s life and Monti had been spared that trauma.
“I need your hand if I’m going to massage you.”
“Oh.” Athena swallowed hard, and when she placed her fingers into Monti’s, she trembled.
Monti’s hand was warm, her skin soft against Athena’s. The touch was instantly comforting. Athena sighed, the weight of the last hour lifting. Monti started with her palm, sliding her thumb along the muscles and bones.
“Don’t you use oils?” Athena asked after a few seconds of quiet.
Monti moved up Athena’s palm to her wrist, digging her thumbs in and releasing the tension. “I typically do, yes.”
“Why aren’t you now?” Athena tried to hold in the moan when Monti hit a particularly tender spot on the top of her forearm. She worked the muscle, popping the knot several times and applying firm pressure before it disappeared.
“Was that okay?”
“Yes,” Athena dragged out, almost a hiss. She’d never been touched like this in her life. Never with such reverence. Never had it felt so good.
“Good.” Monti worked higher into her biceps. “I haven’t used any oils because we haven’t discussed oils—preferred scents, allergies, but also if the feel of them would be something you’d like or hate.”
“I…” Athena paused and looked over Monti’s contrasting face. Did she realize that she stuck her tongue out the corner of her mouth when she was concentrating? “I don’t know if I’d like the feel of it or not.”
“We can always try, Ms. Pruitt.”
“I don’t like the scent of lavender.” Athena bit back another moan, the tension in her shoulder instantly easing. It dropped like a heavy weight as Monti slid her hands back down.
“I have some oils in my van if you’d like me to get them. Or Fallon can.” Monti stood up slowly and shifted to Athena’s other side. She started the same process on her right hand.
Athena was entranced by the way Monti moved, so confident in her touches. Athena’s chest rose sharply with each breath as she concentrated on every glide of Monti’s fingers. “Next time.”
“Will there be a next time?”
“I don’t think one massage is going to solve all my problems, do you?”
Monti’s lips quirked upward slightly, a beautiful tenuous pull of her mouth. It was the first time Athena had seen it, and it made Monti that much more stunning. She had to be younger than Fallon by at least five years, but this smile made her look so youthful and alive.
“No, I don’t think one massage is going to solve anything,” Monti whispered back. “Except maybe you won’t be in as much physical pain as before.”
“I can only hope.”
“Will you allow me to massage your neck?” Monti touched her full palm against Athena’s upper arm, resting it there until they made eye contact.
Athena halted, her entire being hanging on Monti’s words. Her gaze dropped to Monti’s mouth, her lips and how they were slightly parted, her tongue peeking out from behind them. The heat from her palm soaked through Athena and filled the cold she’d become so accustomed to. She almost couldn’t bear it. She had to blink hard to break her chain of thoughts.
Moving away from the touch, Athena leaned forward and nodded. “Yes.”
Anything to stop whatever was happening in that moment. Not between them—that was the one thing Athena could deal with. But what was happening inside her. That tingling and pulling, the desire to lean in and see what Monti would do next, to maybe chase after the tip of Monti’s tongue. But that couldn’t be right. She was too broken for anything to feel good.
Monti stood next to her. “You’ll need to turn to the side. The chair is too high for me to reach over it.”
“Oh right.” Athena slowly turned, putting her back to Monti. Which was probably the biggest sign of trust she’d given yet.
Monti moved slowly, deliberately, as she pulled the clip from Athena’s hair and set it on the table, not touching Athena in any way that they hadn’t agreed to. Athena waited for what was next, knowing it would instantly set off all her alarms.
“I’m going to start at the base of your skull.”
“Okay.” Athena jumped when Monti brushed her fingers through her hair, pulling it over the side of her shoulder so it was out of the way.
“Athena?”
“I’m fine. Just ignore it.”
“I don’t want to move forward if you’re uncomfortable.”
How was Athena supposed to convey that she was always uncomfortable, not just in a room with a stranger, but with herself. And this case she was working was making all of that front and center. She hated that she’d agreed to take it on, but she couldn’t deny Gwen all the justice she could possibly obtain.
“Athena,” Monti said again. “What are you thinking?”
“It’s not relevant,” Athena answered. She felt as though she was swimming through molasses, barely able to keep up. “Go ahead.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely.”
Monti touched her again, and this time Athena didn’t jump. Perfect. She was getting better control of herself already. Monti started at the base of her skull, using the sides of her thumbs to add pressure to the muscles with precision. Athena rolled her head forward slightly, enjoying the feeling of the pain from the knots working themselves out. This had been exactly what she’d needed.
“You’ve been in a lot of pain from this.” It wasn’t a question, and Athena appreciated that.
She’d spent too much of her time answering questions in her life, and to have Monti come to the conclusion without her was a blessing in disguise. Monti moved down to her shoulders, and Athena couldn’t hold back the groan this time when she hit a particularly troublesome spot. Often at night, Athena would rub that part of her shoulder in hopes of easing the tension.
“Don’t hold back if you don’t want to. I’m not going to tell anyone what’s discussed or what happens in this room when we’re together. And noises are natural.” Monti said it without shame, as if she really meant the words. “You wouldn’t believe the number of people who fart their way through a massage.”
Athena snorted. “You’re joking.”
“Nope.” Monti pushed a little harder in the cord of muscle down Athena’s shoulder.
Again she groaned, then whimpered when Monti found a particularly nasty spot. She jerked when the library door opened, and Monti immediately moved to stand between her and the door, covering her from it. Athena appreciated it, and she snagged her jacket, ready to throw it on when she heard Kevin’s loud accusing voice.
“Who are you?”
“Monti Schroeder. Who are you?” Monti put her hands on her hips, and she didn’t budge an inch.
“Kevin Brock.”
Athena snagged Monti’s hand and pulled her to the side, dropping her jacket back to the chair. “Kevin is my husband.”
“Y-your husband.” Monti spun around and gave Athena a hard look that was an odd mix of curiosity and pain. What was that all about?
“Twenty-two years almost,” Athena answered and raised her eyebrows at Kevin. She hadn’t expected him home this early. He was supposed to be gone for another two days with his boyfriend. Athena stayed seated, wanting Monti to continue whatever magic she’d been working, but she knew Monti wouldn’t without being expressly told. “You’re home early.”
“My trip was cut short.” Kevin cut a look to Monti, no doubt trying to judge who she was, especially since it was clear Monti had been touching her. “Fallon said you were in a meeting.”
“I am.” Her answer was clipped, she knew. But she was annoyed he’d interrupted something that seemed to be going well. It was the first time she’d been able to focus on anything that day.
Kevin looked from Monti to Athena, clearly confused.
“I haven’t been sleeping. Monti is a massage therapist.”
“Ah.” Kevin nodded his understanding, though he still wasn’t budging or buggering off.
Athena dragged in a sharp breath, wanting to dismiss him already. “Was there something you needed?”
“No. I’ll see you at dinner.”
“Yes.” Athena nodded her agreement. They had some catching up to do.
He turned and made it to the door before stopping and turning to her again. “Oh! There’s a gala coming up on the twentieth. I RSVP’d for us. You should wear that gold dress you have. It’ll match the theme.”
The gold dress he was talking about was probably one of the most revealing gowns she owned. She’d never actually worn it to an event, though she’d bought it for one. Once she’d put it on, she couldn’t stand to wear it out and have that much skin showing for the world to see. Athena swallowed hard, unable to form the words she wanted to say right then.
“You look lovely in it, too. Shows off your ass.” Kevin giggled as he left the library, shutting the door behind him.
Monti took her time turning back, keeping her hands at her side and in plain view where Athena could see them. “Twenty-two years, you say?”
Athena hummed. “We’ve known each other since he was born.”
“You’re older?” Monti raised an eyebrow at her. “I didn’t peg you for being a cougar.”
“Hardly.” Athena lifted her chin to meet Monti’s gaze, a direct and firm stare.
“I think that’s exactly what marrying a younger man is called.”
