Shameless expectations, p.22
Shameless Expectations, page 22
“See?” Monti’s voice was breathy. “You know what to do.”
The confidence boost was exactly what Athena needed. She pressed more firmly, sliding one finger inside Monti. She was so hot, her body slick and wet.
“That’s it,” Monti cooed. “Deeper.”
Athena loved this side of Monti. She was demanding, bluntly so. But as her confidence grew, she didn’t need Monti to tell her what to do anymore. She pressed the heel of her hand against Monti’s clit and started to slowly slide her fingers in and out. Monti shuddered, digging her nails into Athena’s sides as she clutched onto her.
“Don’t be afraid to make noises,” Athena muttered into Monti’s ear. “I want to hear what you’re feeling.”
“Yes,” Monti hissed. She tossed her head back into the wall with a light thud.
The heat from the water started to make Athena dizzy, but she wasn’t going to stop. She pressed forward, pushing herself into Monti’s body.
“Fuck,” Monti muttered, her hips jerking sharply. “Right there.”
Athena listened to the understated direction, keeping the pace and positioning of her fingers. She pressed their mouths together, the kiss becoming sloppy as Monti’s movements became uncoordinated. Athena held onto her, keeping her upright. The control Athena had in this, the power to give Monti pleasure or not, to keep them both upright and moving—it was addicting. Athena nipped at Monti’s neck.
“I don’t know what—” Monti swallowed hard “—you were worried about.”
Athena scraped her teeth against Monti’s collar bone and then used her tongue to chase after the droplets of water that slid across her skin and over the tops of her breasts. She should have spent so much more time there. She should have started with these perfect boobs. Moving her hand from between Monti’s legs, Athena palmed Monti’s breasts, rubbing her thumb across her nipples. Monti whined her protest and tried to grab Athena’s hand and push it back down.
Athena froze.
Monti’s eyes snapped open, and she let go of Athena’s hand instantly. “I’m so sorry.”
“For what?” The tension was back in between Athena’s shoulders, tightening and pulling until her chest started to hurt. “You didn’t do anything.”
“Nope. I did.” Monti put her hands on Athena’s shoulders, tightly. “Will you look at me?”
Athena had to blink hard to focus her eyes, but she finally found Monti’s in the steamy haze. “What?”
“I will never force you to do anything you don’t want. I should have asked.”
“Asked what?” Athena leaned in, their breasts pressed together again.
“For you to touch me.” Monti raised her eyebrows. “How are you doing?”
“I’m fine. Why—”
“You’re shaking, and you’re so tense I’m pretty sure you could smash through a concrete wall.” Monti smiled, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes.
When Athena looked at her, she could definitely see the worry in her gaze now. Blinking, Athena stepped forward and pressed her forehead to Monti’s shoulder. She wrapped her arms around Monti’s back and sucked in a long deep breath. She checked in with her body, and Monti was right. Her back was rigid, her leg muscles were tense. She didn’t want that right now.
“I’m fine.”
“Fine isn’t acceptable, remember?”
“I’m okay,” Athena corrected. She refused to move her body from Monti’s. She used the touch to center herself and bring herself right back into this moment. “I’m good. I promise.”
“You didn’t even notice.”
“Yes, well, as we’ve established, I’m not good at that.” Athena leaned back slightly and smiled. “I don’t want to stop.”
“Are you sure?” Monti slid her fingers down Athena’s arms to her hands. “Because we can definitely stop.”
“I don’t want to.” Athena slid in and kissed Monti on the lips. “Only if you do.”
“I’m good.” Monti pulled Athena in for a deeper kiss. “But I think we should get out of the shower. I’m starting to get overheated.”
“Oh um… sure.” Athena bit her cheek and stepped back. Something about the mood had shifted, and she wanted it back where it was. She held her breath while Monti dipped under the spray of the water and cleaned herself off quickly.
Giving Monti some privacy, Athena stepped out of the shower and snagged a folded towel. What had she done that was wrong? Everything seemed to be going so well until it wasn’t. She knew she’d been the one to mess that up. Wrapping the towel around her chest, Athena left the bathroom and picked up her clothes as she went. Would Monti want her to leave?
She sat on the bed and was starting to pull her shirt over her head when Monti’s voice stopped her. “What are you doing?”
“I thought…” Athena frowned, looking over Monti’s very naked and very wet body. Her breath caught in her throat. “I don’t know what I thought.”
“Did you think I wanted you to go?”
“Yes,” Athena admitted, shame sitting at the top of her chest right where all that tension had been.
“Oh no, no no no no.” Monti came forward immediately, getting down on her knees and putting her hands on Athena’s legs. “I don’t want you to leave, not unless you want to and even then, I won’t want you to leave.”
“I thought…” Athena trailed off. She held her breath, staring down into Monti’s dark eyes. “I thought I had ruined it.”
“You ruined nothing.” Monti lifted Athena’s hand and kissed her knuckles. “I just wanted to check that you were okay and comfortable with what we were doing and give you a few minutes to collect yourself. That’s it.”
Collect herself? Athena dragged her hand through her damp hair. They’d barely gotten started and had to stop already. Now everything was awkward, and she was pretty sure the last thing Monti wanted was to have sex. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment. She should have known better than to think that this was going to happen.
“Athena,” Monti said sharply.
Snapping her eyes back to Monti’s, Athena found her center again.
“Stop riding the shame train, okay?”
“Easier said than done.”
“I know,” Monti murmured. “Don’t be ashamed of who you are. Ever.” Monti kissed Athena’s bare knee. “I want to be with you, exactly as you are today in this moment.”
“I’m not someone worthy of that.”
“Of course you are.” Monti kissed her knee again, then a little higher. “Everyone is worthy of love.”
Athena’s entire body warmed, a pleasant sensation seeping into her, something she had long forgotten. She breathed it in, enjoying it, loving it, reveling in it. Doing the only thing she could think of, she bent down and pressed their lips together. She dropped the towel she’d been holding up and dragged Monti closer to her.
She wanted this. Desperation clawed its way through her, clinging to that warm sensation she wasn’t willing to give up. Monti’s wet hair was cold against her fingers, and Athena tugged sharply and smiled when Monti grunted in response.
“I want to touch you,” Athena mumbled against Monti’s mouth. “I want to touch you everywhere.”
“Perfect.”
Confidence restored, at least as much as it could be, Athena stood up and took Monti by the hand. She walked around the edge of the bed and sat on the mattress. Monti moved in and kissed her. Hands skimmed, lips touched. Before she knew it, they were in the middle of the bed and Monti was on top of her.
Athena loved the weight and feel of her. She put her knee up, cradling Monti’s naked body between her legs and tenderly running her hands all over Monti’s back and ass. She scraped her nails lightly, and when Monti groaned, Athena did it again.
“I want to know what it feels like…” Athena trailed off as Monti pressed kisses down her neck and across her breasts, teasing her nipples with the tip of her tongue. Athena arched her back up, shoulders pressing into the mattress and giving Monti as much access to her body as possible. Her heart was racing, pounding so hard.
Monti pressed open-mouthed kisses down to Athena’s stomach, kissing her scars as she went. Athena wiggled, encouraging Monti to move even lower. Because that was exactly what she wanted. She’d thought about it more times than she could count at this point, and the fact that they were so close, that this was actually going to happen.
“Yes,” Athena murmured, clenching her eyes shut as she allowed her body to just feel everything that was happening. This was so nice, but she still wanted to be able to touch, to know that she could give just as much pleasure as she could receive. “Yes, your mouth.”
Athena put her hand on the top of Monti’s head and pushed. Monti was immediately face first between Athena’s legs. Athena lifted her hips up, begging for Monti to put her mouth against her. Monti nipped the inside of Athena’s thigh.
Squeaking, Athena wriggled. “Enough of that.”
“The tease is the best part sometimes.”
“Not tonight,” Athena muttered back.
Laughing, Monti kissed the inside of her thigh again. “I love when you demand.”
“I demand all day.”
“Yes, yes, you do.” Monti scraped her teeth.
Athena clenched her legs against Monti’s head and groaned. She wanted Monti’s mouth on her right now. She wanted to feel her entire body in tune with what Monti was doing. Athena wrapped Monti’s wet hair around her fingers.
“Now.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Monti moved in immediately. She pressed her tongue, hot and wet, against Athena’s clit. She sucked and pulled back and did it again and again.
Athena groaned, bucking her hips up. “Yes. Finally.”
Monti didn’t stop there. She pressed in tighter, nose deep in Athena’s curls. Athena looked down, their eyes locking together as Monti teased her. That was sexy as hell. No one had ever done that with her before. Monti snuck her hands around Athena’s hips and up onto her stomach, reaching up to caress her breasts.
“Fuck,” Athena said. Monti played with her nipples, intensifying every sensation that floated through her. This was so much more than she’d ever imagined. She held onto Monti’s hair, using the cold wet strands to keep her rooted in the moment. She rocked her hips up into Monti’s mouth. “That feels amazing.”
Monti didn’t answer. Not that she could when her mouth was doing such delicious things. Athena cried out as her orgasm unexpectedly swept through her. She was so flushed, her skin sweaty and damp, but definitely not from the shower.
“Get up here.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Monti crawled up her until their mouths could touch.
Athena tasted herself on Monti’s lips, the wet from Monti’s cheeks rubbing against Athena’s face. The scent was unmistakable arousal, and the taste so tangy compared to what she’d always assumed it would be like. Not that she’d done a whole lot of thinking about that either.
Bringing her leg up, Athena pushed into the bed and flipped them over so that she was on top of Monti. She deepened the kiss and slid her hand between their bodies, caressing Monti’s breast before sliding her hand even lower. She wanted to pick up right where she left off. She wanted Monti to feel her inside just like Athena had in the plane.
“I want what we were doing before.”
“Yes. Do that,” Monti answered, already parting her legs to give Athena the space.
Their mouths were pressed together again, and Athena slipped one finger inside Monti. She teased her, sliding her thumb back and forth. Monti keened before pulling Athena in for another kiss. Athena wasn’t going to stop this time. She kept her fingers between Monti’s legs, teasing.
Monti held Athena, arms around her back, tightening her grasp. Athena didn’t stop. She rocked harder, pressing deeper. “Do you like this?”
“Yes,” Monti breathed her answer. “Yes, I love it.”
“Good.” Athena kissed down Monti’s neck to the top of her chest, licking her collar bone and tasting her damp skin. She scraped her teeth and kissed again.
“Athena.” Monti’s voice cracked.
Athena could tell that Monti was close, that they were about to reach the pinnacle, that they were about to do everything they had been waiting for since that last massage in Seattle. Athena held Monti close, twisting her hand and her wrist.
“Let me see you fall apart.”
Monti gasped, her body tensing. She breathed hard and pressed her face into the crook of Athena’s neck and held on. Athena didn’t want to let her go either. In fact, she wanted to stay here all night, cocooned in the safety of Monti’s arms. And that was exactly what they were going to do.
twenty-seven
“Fuck!”
Monti sat straight up in the bed, her entire body ready for flight. She blinked back the weariness as she figured out where she was and caught her bearings. She missed her van, the small confinements made nights like these so much easier. There wasn’t as much lurking in the shadows because there weren’t as many shadows.
A rustling startled her, and when she looked down, she found Athena curled up on her side with the covers across her hips, fast asleep. They’d stayed up most of the night, touching and talking, kissing and listening. Monti brushed her fingers lightly over Athena’s temple and moved her hair away from her face.
Athena was fast asleep.
Monti sighed in relief as she leaned against the pillow and attempted to relax. She stared up at the ceiling and did what she’d told so many clients to do—took slow deep breaths. One after the other. Push away negative thoughts. Settle into the emotion.
But it wasn’t working.
Despite how long she lay there and tried to catch her bearings, she couldn’t manage to do it. All of her nerves told her that something bad was going to happen, that someone was going to come into the room, that she would be covered in darkness and wouldn’t be able to see, that the panic she’d felt wasn’t going to go away.
After an hour had passed, Monti slid from the bed as quietly as possible. She slipped her clothes out of the drawer and dressed in the bathroom. Before she knew it, she was downstairs. The pot of coffee brewed quickly, and she immediately made herself a cup.
Monti finished her coffee, but she couldn’t stay still. She bounced on her toes as she paced through the kitchen and then the small living area where she and Athena had spent a considerable amount of time reading. But she couldn’t stay there.
With her heart in her throat, she walked out onto the back deck and stared at the waves lapping in the dark water. That was what her soul felt like. A black abyss. Why did that thought hurt so much? Empty tears fell down her cheeks. She crossed her arms and hugged herself, trying to ward off the chill in the air.
Or rather, the chill in her soul.
Monti blew out a breath as more tears joined the others. Why on earth was she crying? She swiped at her cheeks and stepped off the wide stairs of the deck and into the sand. Small grains of sand. They could be molded in so many ways, transformed into beautiful things.
Not unlike people. All it took was time and effort and energy. Monti had wrongfully assumed that all her time on the road she’d been doing that, but she couldn’t have been more wrong. All she’d done was hide effectively in plain sight.
She walked aimlessly, moving down the beach as she allowed her emotions to guide wherever she needed to go.
What was she doing here?
It was fun coming on this trip, a more extravagant one than she’d pay for herself, with someone she cared about and enjoyed spending time with. Monti bit her lip and smiled. Since when had they shifted from client and therapist to friends with some benefits? That slide had been almost easy, but it felt right. Monti walked along the edge of where the waves came up onto the sand, wetting her toes but not her feet as she followed the curve of the water.
“What are we doing, though?”
Athena was probably more invested in the relationship than Monti was. She had to be, right? Which would mean at some point Monti was going to hurt her as she shifted the parameters of the relationship when she left.
That thought sent a physical pain through her chest. Monti frowned and stopped short, staring out at the dark waters. It was nearly pitch black out there, but the light from the moon and the stars gave enough that she could make out the different shapes.
Leaving was painful.
Since when?
Monti dragged her fingers through her tangled hair. Because she didn’t want to leave this time. Not like she had before. Something had shifted inside her, and she wanted to stay and see how Athena made out. She wanted to go to Zoe’s wedding and maybe be around when Fallon finally started dating someone. She wanted to know if Athena would ever take her jacket off in public again.
That last thought made her smile.
Damn, that woman was sexy. She hid it all, buttoning up and hiding with the hope that the world wouldn’t see her. But it was impossible not to see her. Monti warmed slightly as the sun started streaking across the sky. Monti had noticed Athena the moment they’d met, and she hadn’t been able to stop.
“Well, I’m definitely in like with her.” Monti told the ocean. “What do you think?” She kicked at the water, cold lingering on her feet as she stepped deeper into the surf. Bending down, Monti put her hands in the water as it raced up toward her. Then she dug her hands into the wet sand, grabbing hold of it.
As the water moved away, it took the sand with it, leaving only a small amount curved in her palm. In the center was a small white shell, the whorls spiraling up toward a point. Monti rinsed it off in the water as another wave came up and studied it.
“There you are!” Athena’s voice shocked through her.
Monti stood up, startled, her heart in her throat. She clutched the shell tightly in her fist.
“You scared me.” Worry marred Athena’s features.
Monti stepped closer and grabbed Athena’s hand with her free one. The sun was already over the horizon and making the sky bright. It painted gentle hues over Athena’s face, though the shadows of doubt were still there. “Sorry, I didn’t realize I’d been gone so long.”
