Shameless expectations, p.23
Shameless Expectations, page 23
“Long?” Athena moved in closer. “When did you leave?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t look at a clock.” Monti pressed a kiss to Athena’s cheek. “I’m sorry I worried you.”
“You left the deck door open.” Athena’s voice wavered, and Monti definitely noted the fear over the worry.
“You don’t like open doors.” Why had that thought never occurred to her before? Monti had to open every single door every time she’d walked into a room. Athena always closed the door behind her or them when they went somewhere. She really should have noticed that. “Athena, I’m so sorry.”
Monti wrapped her arms around Athena’s shoulders and pulled her in, hugging her and kissing her head. She breathed in Athena’s scent that was so familiar now. She closed her eyes and basked in it and in Athena’s steady breathing.
“I should have been more careful.”
“It’s okay. You’re safe,” Athena mumbled into Monti’s chest. She finally wrapped her arms around Monti’s back and held on tightly. “You can’t leave me like that.”
“I needed some space to think.”
Athena sighed heavily. “What’s going on?”
“It’s nothing.” Monti kept her tone calm. She pulled back and slid her hand down Athena’s cheek and her thumb over Athena’s lips. She leaned in and pressed their mouths together quickly.
“Please don’t coddle me.”
Monti’s heart sank. She had been doing exactly that. Athena had shared with her so much over the last few weeks. It was no wonder that she was looking for Monti to share as well. Kissing Athena again, this time lingering a little longer, Monti pulled back. She turned and started to walk toward the house.
“I had a nightmare.”
“Oh.” Athena gripped Monti’s arm tightly.
Intuitively, Monti knew that Athena would understand those. She’d already deduced that had partially been why Athena wasn’t sleeping. Monti laced their fingers together and dropped a kiss onto the back of Athena’s hand.
“Do you ever sleep more than a few hours in a night?” Monti asked.
“No. Do you?”
“No,” Monti responded, lifting Athena’s hand again. “But I’m not used to nightmares. I don’t dream much either. It is a trauma response, but I used to just ignore it.”
“Used to?” Athena ran her fingers up and down Monti’s arm.
“I don’t want to ignore it anymore.” Monti stopped walking. She looked into Athena’s eyes and canted her head, slowing her breathing. She could do this. She could explain it to Athena in a way that she’d understand. “I realized that it’s not about finding peace. It’s not just somewhere out there in the next best place.”
“No, it’s not.” Athena furrowed her brow. “You have to find it.”
“I have to make it,” Monti corrected. “But until this week, for some reason, I didn’t realize that.”
Athena rested her head on Monti’s shoulder. They were filled with a comfortable silence, the only sound the lapping of waves and nature all around them as the world started to wake up.
“How do I make it?” Monti's voice was thick with emotion, and she was very well near tears again. She winced and buried her face into Athena’s neck, using her to calm down. “How do I deal with a past that I don’t remember?”
“Aren’t you the one who said our bodies remember things? So you do remember it.”
Monti let out a wry laugh. “Yeah. You’re right.”
Letting that knowledge settle into her chest, Monti stayed put. She closed her eyes, breathing it in and breathing it out. Just admitting that was harder than it should be. Fallon had been telling her for years that she remembered it, that it affected her, but now it was real. Now she didn’t want to ignore it.
“All right, so I remember.” Monti clenched her fist tighter, the shell digging into the center of her palm. It was a reminder of life and death, and the beauty in the world through all of it. “Now that I remember, I get to deal with it.”
“How will you do that?”
“I don’t know yet.” Monti grinned and kissed Athena loudly on the cheek. “What do you think? Maybe we can just have sex so much that I’ll forget it even exists.”
Chuckling, Athena shook her head. “I’m pretty sure that’s the exact opposite of what you just said you wanted.”
“The sex?”
“No.” Athena slapped Monti’s arm lightly. “The avoiding with sex.”
“Oh, because I’m all about sex.” Monti kissed Athena’s jaw. “Last night was fantastic.”
“Are you sure?” Athena tensed, but she did tilt her chin up and turned her head, which gave Monti the exact access that she’d been looking for.
Monti took the opportunity, pressing another kiss to Athena’s jawline. “Oh yes. In fact, I’d love a reprise.”
“Already?” Athena whipped around to look at her.
“Yes. Do you?”
“I…” Athena paused, looking deep into Monti’s gaze, as if trying to judge just how truthful Monti was being. “I don’t know.”
“Then let’s spend some time figuring that out.” Monti looped Athena’s arm through her own. They started back toward the house. While Athena had definitely closed the door on her way out to find Monti, this house didn’t feel like a prison. Not like the one in Seattle anyway.
“Fallon’s worried about you,” Athena murmured as they stepped onto the deck.
“Did she call you?”
“Of course.” Athena opened the door and let them in. “I talk to her every day.”
“Really?” Shock ripped through her. “What do you talk about?”
“Work.” Athena shut and locked the door. Then she gave Monti the most no-duh look Monti had ever seen. “I have a trial coming up.”
“You’re on vacation.”
“The work doesn’t stop.” Athena curled her hair around her ear and crossed her arms. “I still need to file some petitions, do some interviews, and get my files together.”
“I guess I just assumed when you said a vacation to rest that you actually meant no work.” Monti walked toward the kitchen. One more cup of coffee and maybe she could keep up with Athena. But the lack of sleep the last couple of days was starting to kick her butt. “I guess that does mean no sex, then. If you have to work, that is.”
Athena hummed, and she moved right into Monti, kissing her. “I don’t know about that.”
Monti ran her hands up and down Athena’s sides. “I’m sorry I scared you earlier.”
Athena pursed her lips before shaking her head slowly. “You did scare me.”
“I’m so sorry.” Monti smiled. “I’ll make it up to you later.”
“I’ll hold you to that.”
twenty-eight
Monti had fallen asleep on the couch, her feet resting next to Athena’s thigh and the book she’d been reading flat against her chest. Athena trailed her fingers up and down Monti’s calf muscle, smiling at her gentle breathing. They’d been sitting there for a couple hours now, and it had become their routine.
Morning coffee and a walk on the beach, a little bit of work for Athena while Monti entertained herself, then they’d spend time in the afternoons reading in the quiet out on the deck. Athena had never been so relaxed in her life, so calm. Even with the intensity of the work that she was doing, the case she’d taken on, she’d managed to not be disturbed by it.
The only problem was that over the last few days, Monti had closed in on herself more and more. Athena started circle patterns with her thumb right under the inside of Monti’s knee. Monti twitched, her entire body jerking with a start, but she still seemed to be sleeping.
She’d been doing a lot of that. Athena had noticed it both at night and during the day. She kept up the pattern on Monti’s leg and settled back into her book, but the words were harder to focus on. What did her future mean? So much had changed in the last few weeks, and there was one thing Athena knew for certain. She didn’t want to go back to the way it had been.
What was the point of going back?
Except to change where she was.
Athena brushed her fingers over her lips, remembering the way Monti had pressed against her, the lightness it had created deep within her. She smiled. She’d never felt that with anyone else, and she’d never thought she would feel that with someone. She had thought she was too broken for love, at least love that was this deep. Because this wasn’t just love.
It was understanding.
Vulnerability.
Compassion.
Connection.
This was intimacy at its finest. And she knew Monti didn’t feel the same way. But for some reason, that didn’t matter. Athena wasn’t looking for reciprocation so much as she was looking for acceptance. She wanted to be believed, and Monti had done that every second of every breath. She’d never questioned Athena’s experiences. She’d never denied Athena her truth.
But where did that leave her? Because she hadn’t once thought to call or text Kevin. Simon’s birthday was in a couple days, so she’d need to call him, but that wasn’t for support. Kevin was the one she usually ran to for those kinds of things, but the entire time she’d been here all she needed was Monti. All she’d needed was to pause and remember that life was different now. That she could be at peace.
“What have you done to me?” Athena murmured, keeping up the pattern on Monti’s leg when she twitched again.
Athena rested her head against the back of the outdoor sofa and closed her eyes. The rays of sun warmed her skin. She enjoyed that feeling. She’d locked herself up for too long. It was finally time to come and play. Yes, play. Because Monti had shown her how to have fun this week, and it was something Athena didn’t want to live without again.
What kind of parent would she have been if she’d known how to play with Simon when he was little? What kind of adult would he have grown into? God, she hoped she hadn’t screwed him up too much. She’d tried to avoid all the mistakes of her parents and her past as best as she could, but there was no way to completely ignore them.
Monti jerked again, this time a little grunt at the end. Athena looked over at her, frowning. This seemed to be a little more than just restless sleep. But she wasn’t sure what to do about it. Simon had nightmares when he was a kid, but she’d mostly let Kevin handle those. Biting the inside of her cheek, Athena waited to see if Monti would do it again, but she didn’t.
Kevin was the perfect parent, and if she could help it, no one would ever know that Simon wasn’t his biologically. It wouldn’t matter in the long run. Because Kevin had been the perfect parent. He’d been more of a parent than she had. Athena sighed. What had she dragged him into?
Sure, he’d agreed to marry her, to play a role that wasn’t his, and to be there for her. They both got the protection of a marriage out of it. She could finish law school and start a career, and Kevin could find a lover who could truly love him. Athena dropped her foot to the ground, the ball of her foot rubbing against the sand on the deck.
But it wasn’t the early two-thousands anymore. They didn’t have to be married for that protection. Kevin could legally get married to his boyfriend, and Simon would still inherit everything. She couldn’t imagine Kevin ousting him, ever. They were two peas in a pod, which left her squarely where?
Monti jerked, this time her entire body tensing and voice crying out shrilly.
Okay. This wasn’t just sleep.
Athena rubbed her full palm up and down Monti’s calf muscle to try and wake her up. But it didn’t work. Monti twitched again, her voice getting louder. Athena shifted, pushing Monti’s feet away from her thigh and reaching up.
“Monti, wake up.” Athena’s heart was in her throat.
What was she supposed to do? She’d never been with an adult who had a nightmare. But this was a nap, and most people didn’t get nightmares from naps. Athena tried again, increasing the pressure on Monti’s leg.
Monti flung upward, her chest heaving, her eyes wide open, her lips thin and her face pale. Athena jerked back, her shoulder hitting the back of the outdoor sofa and scraped her skin. Her throat clogged up instantly, but Monti didn’t move. She continued to breathe heavily as if she was unseeing.
“Monti, it’s just me.”
Shaking her head, Monti turned and planted her feet on the deck. She rested her elbows on her knees and hung her head. Athena was scared to touch her, scared to say anything to her. What was she supposed to do? She wasn’t trained for this. Hell, she could barely take care of herself most days.
“Give me a minute,” Monti mumbled. She sounded so down.
Athena’s heart broke. Just what was Monti going through? Had bringing her here been too much? Monti dropped her hand onto Athena’s knee and sucked in a sharp breath.
“I’ll be fine, just give me a minute.”
“What happened?” The question was out of Athena’s mouth before she could stop it.
She didn’t want to pry. She didn’t want Monti to think that she had to share when she didn’t. Athena bit her lip and clenched her fingers into a tight fist. Her gaze dropped to Monti’s hand still on her knee, and after another moment of hesitation, she lifted her hand up and set it right on top of Monti’s. She curled her fingers under Monti’s palm and tightened her grasp.
“Take all the time you need,” Athena corrected herself. “I’m right here.”
Monti flipped her hand up and laced their fingers. She took deep breaths and tried to relax, but her nerves were on edge. Monti was normally the calm one, but right now she was anything but. The muscles in her back tightened almost painfully as she tensed and waited for Monti to say something, do something. Because Monti was the one who knew what to do in situations like this.
“I just need a minute,” Monti repeated.
Athena didn’t answer this time, because she was pretty sure that Monti wasn’t hearing anything she said. Instead, Athena held Monti’s hand tightly in hers and waited. When nothing happened after another five minutes, Athena moved on instinct. She wrapped an arm slowly around Monti’s back, sliding her fingers from one shoulder to the other, and she pulled Monti into her chest.
Dragging in a deep breath, Athena closed her eyes and breathed in Monti’s scent. She dropped a kiss into Monti’s hair and simply held her. Monti had done the same thing to her when she’d needed it. Maybe that was all Monti needed right now. Maybe this would be enough, because it was all Athena could offer.
She was too broken to give anything else.
Monti’s shoulders shook. Her breathing was sharp, and Athena couldn’t pretend she was hearing anything but Monti trying to prevent herself from crying. Athena’s heart shattered a little more, and she threaded her fingers through Monti’s hair, pressing kisses to her head as often as she could.
What were they doing here?
They were both broken and shattered. They were both falling apart right in front of each other.
They could never work. Athena held Monti close to her, keeping Monti pressed to her chest and tightening her hold. They could stay like this a little bit longer. They could stay here in the cocoon of this trip and pretend that they might come out on the other side without any more scars to show.
These ones might be invisible to the naked eye, but they ran deep. They weren’t easy to stitch closed.
Athena pulled Monti’s mouth up to hers and kissed her. Monti fell into the embrace, the first sign that she was focused and feeling, that she was present in the here and now. Athena kissed her hard before slowing down and closing her eyes.
“It was a bad nightmare,” Monti whispered. “I’m sorry if I scared you.”
“Your nightmare didn’t scare me,” Athena answered, curling the loose hair behind Monti’s ear. “Will you talk to me?”
“I don’t know what there is to say.”
“Whatever you want to say.” Athena pulled Monti in for another kiss, this one tender and full of compassion.
“I remember him beating her. Kind of, anyway. I remember what it sounded like.” Monti pressed her face into Athena’s neck. “It sounded like a dull thud.”
Athena remembered that sound. But it wasn’t from someone else being beaten, and she remembered what it felt like to have knuckles pound into her skin. Shaking the memory wasn’t easy, but she wanted to focus on Monti. “I know what it sounds like.”
Monti tightened. “I didn’t realize. I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing for your own experiences.” Athena pulled Monti’s face up to look into her eyes. “You can’t control what happened to you.”
“Who’s the therapist now?” Monti gave her a weak smile, but it was the first sign in days of the person Athena had come to know. And she clung onto that. “I keep remembering it.”
“Flashbacks are a bitch.”
“Athena Pruitt!” Monti laughed lightly. “I never thought I’d hear you talk like that.”
“Oh, I’ve said worse.” Athena leaned back into the outdoor sofa and relaxed. She finally felt as though they were balancing the chaos of their lives. At least it felt that way for a moment. Athena was pretty sure that balance was impossible to find, but at least she was looking for it now. At least she could be a little closer to it.
“What have you said?” Monti rested her arm along the back of the seat, playing with the ends of Athena’s hair.
She was acting like nothing had happened, like she hadn’t woken from a nightmare in a panic, like she hadn’t just confessed to remembering her dad beating her mom. Athena couldn’t keep up. Was this Monti avoiding or was she really just that good at getting over her trauma quickly?
“I’ve told people to fuck off before.”
Monti snorted.
“There are quite a few judges I had choice words for. Though I did not say it to their faces. That would have gotten me thrown out.” Athena tried to figure out what Monti was doing when she leaned away. She felt so distant, as though she was shutting back down again. The brief window into who Monti really was had already closed and Athena was left with this awkward tension between them.
