Shameless expectations, p.1
Shameless Expectations, page 1
shameless expectations
ADRIAN J. SMITH
Copyright © 2024 by Adrian J. Smith
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Cover Art by Perrin of The Author Buddy
Hope has holes
in its pockets.
It leaves little
crumb trails
so that we,
when anxious,
can follow it.
Hope’s secret:
it doesn’t know
the destination—
it only knows
that all roads
begin with one
foot in front
of the other.
—Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer
How to Love the World: Poems of Gratitude and Hope – Edited by James Crews
one
“Athena’s running late.”
Monti wrinkled her nose, though she pushed the perturbed feeling down. She shouldn’t allow that to come up. She was here as a favor to her sister, and to get a little extra cash for her bills, but that was it. And if she was delayed five or even fifteen minutes, then she would live.
Hell, everyone would live.
“That’s okay.” Monti folded her hands behind her as she followed her big sister through the halls of the house. She hadn’t been in a clinical setting for therapy or massage in over a year, but Fallon had begged her to come and help out her boss.
Apparently the woman was desperate for sleep.
From Fallon’s descriptions, Monti hadn’t realized how much of a prison this house was. It was gorgeous, for sure, but the energy was what threw Monti. It wasn’t warm or friendly. The curtains were all drawn in, the lights were dimmed, and all of the doors were shut. People moved from one place to another as they worked, which she remembered Fallon mentioning once.
Athena had an office in the city for her legal clients, but because those were rare and a lot of her other work was done from home, she worked from home most days. She remembered this if she dug down for the information Fallon had fed her through the years. Monti rolled her shoulders as she followed half a step behind her sister. She still couldn’t figure out why she’d agreed to this job. She really didn’t need it, and she didn’t want to mess anything up between Fallon and her boss.
“I really appreciate you giving this a shot. I know I strong-armed you into it, but Athena’s tried everything.” Fallon seemed tense in a way Monti hadn’t seen her in a long time. Not since—well, she didn’t want to think about that.
“What do you mean everything?” The more information Monti had going in, the better she might be able to help. She hadn’t stopped being a therapist because of her lack of confidence. No, it was something else entirely.
Fallon stopped short in the hall, locking her brown eyes on Monti’s. “I mean everything. She’s been to all the doctors, all the naturopaths. She’s tried CBD—that was a disaster. Not doing that again.”
Monti’s face pinched. It was the newest fad, that was for sure, but depending on the person, it wasn’t a good fit. Still, Monti didn’t have the reason that Athena wasn’t sleeping. Starting with the problem was usually the easiest way to find the solution. Although getting sleep was a good place to start.
“Like I said on the phone, I thought with all your training…”
“Yeah. Makes sense.” Monti shoved her hands in her pockets. “But I haven’t done this in years. You’re lucky my licenses are even up-to-date.”
Fallon dropped her gaze to Monti’s hands, pointed, and shook her head. “You can’t do that when you're with her.”
A line formed in the center of her brow, but Monti pulled her hands from her pockets and stretched her fingers out like someone had slapped the tops with a ruler. “All right.”
“I’ll tell her you’re here, and hopefully she won’t be long.” Fallon led the way into a small library.
The walls were lined with shelves full of books floor to ceiling. It was honestly Monti’s dream. She could lose herself in here for hours if she had the time and permission to do so. With the door shut, she walked the line of shelves and glanced over them. The selection was a wide variety, from classics like Tolstoy, to law texts, to religious ones, and even modern self-help. But there were shelves lined with fiction books, ranging in all genres.
It looked like Monti’s eReader had vomited all the books into this one room. Smiling, Monti picked one of her favorites and ran her finger along the spine. She didn’t dare pull it off the shelf without permission, so she left it sitting right where she found it—just caressing it a little.
“I’m sorry for the delay.” The woman’s voice was a shock through the room. Loud and firm. Precise.
Monti jumped before she turned around to face the door. She looked so small. Not because she was a tiny woman but because she just didn’t take up much space. Monti could only assume this was Athena, the great lawyer, and Fallon’s boss. Who else would be in the room? But she hadn’t exactly introduced herself either.
“I’m Monti Schroeder.”
Athena nodded at her but didn’t move forward to take Monti’s outstretched hand. Nerves swirled in Monti’s stomach. She briefly leaned into them, acknowledging their presence, and then moved away to release them. When she looked back into Athena’s blue eyes, they were still just as cold. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail at the nape of her neck, bangs cut at an angle down each side of her face. Her makeup was pristine.
“Your sister said you’re good.”
“I am.” Monti wasn’t sure how to respond to the non-question. She could talk about her credentials all day if needed, all the studying she’d done over the years, but that wasn’t what would give Athena permission to trust her. “Ms. Pruitt, forgive me, but if you don’t want me here, I can leave.”
Athena pressed her lips together tightly, to the point they almost disappeared. “You’re not my first choice.”
“So I heard.” Monti gave her a small smile, hoping the humor in her tone would break the ice a bit. Instead, she was greeted with a blank stare. “Why don’t we start with why you think I’m here.”
Athena winced, her fingers at her sides clenching tightly before loosening. Did she even know she was doing that? Athena was pale, as if she hadn’t stepped into the sun in months. “I haven’t slept in weeks.”
“Well, I doubt that.” Monti bit her tongue. She needed to excuse the judgment and remove it from the conversation. But she wasn’t wrong. It was impossible for Athena to go weeks without sleep and still be alive.
“I can’t sleep well. It’s affecting my work.” Athena cut her a sharp look.
“Fallon says you’ve tried alternatives.”
“Medications, studies, herbs.” Athena still stood by the door, poised as if she was going to need to escape at any moment.
Monti relaxed her stance and glanced at the two leather wingback chairs next to each other with a small table in between. “Mind if we sit?”
“I don’t do therapy.”
“Didn’t say that’s what this was, but noted.” Perhaps Fallon had told Athena of her training already. That would explain why Athena didn’t need to ask. “I was asking because I thought it might be more comfortable.”
Though something told her that Athena was never comfortable.
Athena said nothing as she walked stiffly to the closest wingback and slid into it. She crossed her legs, her slacks riding up on her ankle, revealing her black flat shoes. Monti took her time, observing Athena as she walked closer. It seemed with each step she took that Athena tightened even more. Her shoulders tensed, the muscle in her jaw bulged, her breathing quickened.
Trying not to disrupt Athena’s calm any more than she already had, Monti sat in the chair and relaxed as best as she could. She wanted to present the most non-confrontational front as possible. Athena clearly needed a safe space, and the onus was on Monti to create that. Although without the proper time to do that, Monti was going to be shit out of luck.
“I’m a clinically trained therapist, Ms. Pruitt, but if you don’t want therapy, we don’t have to do that. I’m also a trained massage therapist–think more clinical than a spa.”
“I’m aware of your qualifications, Monti.” Athena’s glance of disdain and annoyance was pure. The use of Monti’s first name was a pitiful attempt to put Monti in her place, and they were both well aware of that fact.
“Then you know why I’m here. And you can either accept my services or I can leave. The choice is yours.” Why was she being so obstinate? Monti was here as a favor to Fallon, yes, but also because she needed the cash. But she didn’t have to get it from Athena. There were always other ways. And she was supposed to be creating a safe space for Athena. This wasn’t going to plan. This was why she’d left the practice entirely.
“I have no other choice.” Athena raised her hand and pinched the bridge of her nose, a giant diamond of a ring winking in the light on it. “I haven’t slept in weeks. I need to sleep in order to function.”
“Something we can agree on, then.” Monti placed her palms together and leaned down. “I can attempt to help you, if you’ll let me.”
“I don’t like to be touched.”
Monti looked up at Athena, finding the truth in her words. The vulnerability in Athena’s voi ce was filled to the brim with shame, and even from the next seat over, Monti could see the tears build and then vanish.
Oh, she’s good at this.
Monti was going to need to be on her A-game for this one. Fallon hadn’t prepared her for the depth of mess Athena was stuck in. The question remained, however, would Monti be able to crack Athena?
“I have to ask, Ms. Pruitt, why am I here? You don’t want therapy and you don’t like to be touched. There are alterna—”
“There aren’t.” Athena jerked, her movements tense and sharp.
“I’m not understanding what you expect from me. And I want to make sure before this conversation goes any further that we’re on the same page. I’m here because Fallon said you need help to sleep. There are some things we can try, but unless you’re willing, they won’t work.”
Athena pressed her lips together, lines forming. She paled. Was this shame again?
“Do you mind if we start again?” Monti offered. “Because I must have done something to set off your alarm bells.”
Athena’s blue eyes locked on Monti’s, and there was a slight shake to her head. Though the move was almost imperceptible. With a deep breath, Athena turned to face Monti better. The first sign that Monti might be making progress of some sort. Was the way in to be blunt?
“You didn’t do anything.” Athena pinched her nose again before rubbing her temple and closing her eyes. Instead of her shoulders relaxing they tightened. “It’s hard to think.”
“Because you’re exhausted.” Monti watched Athena carefully. Her clothes covered her from ankle to wrist to neck. The only skin showing was that of her face, a bit of her neck, and her hands. What was the purpose of that? Her clothes looked uncomfortable, warm, and as if they consumed her to hide her. “Can we try something?”
Athena glanced at her warily.
“We’ll stop whenever you want. I’m not here to push your boundaries or make you feel unsafe. I’m here simply to help you sleep.”
“What’s your suggestion?” Athena leaned forward before catching herself and straightening her back.
She was sleep-deprived—to the point that she could barely hold herself upright. Monti breathed deeply, softening her tone. She needed to be calm and open, allow Athena to trust her even if just a little to help her today.
“I’ll touch your hands and your scalp only. And again, if it makes you uncomfortable, you can tell me to stop any time and I will. I’ll start with your hands—that way you can see me.” Monti put her hands out to the sides. “The choice is yours. If it doesn’t work, you can chalk this up to one more alternative that failed.”
Athena stared down at Monti’s hands, her eyes closing slowly before she popped them open again. “Just do it.”
“Ms. Pruitt, I’m not sure you fully understand, but I want you to accept this, not simply acquiesce that it’s your only choice. You do have a choice.” Monti watched Athena carefully, the way she contemplated and processed what Monti had said.
“I’m willing to try.”
“But a part of you isn’t.”
“There’s always a part of me that refuses to be touched. I just have to shut her up.” Athena looked Monti dead in the eye and raised her eyebrow. “Doesn’t everyone?”
Monti chuckled a little with a slight smile. “Everyone has different parts for different reasons, Ms. Pruitt.”
Holding out her hand, Monti waited to see what Athena would do next. This wouldn’t be the end of the discussion by any means, but it seemed to be a good start. Athena was more open to what Monti had to offer at least. Monti slowed her breathing and pulled a calmness toward the center of her chest. Once she found it, she grasped onto it and held it there.
Athena hesitated, which Monti expected, but after a few seconds, she reached forward with her left hand and slid it into Monti’s. She said nothing as she waited to gain just a few more ounces of trust.
“I’m going to start with your palm and work my way through each of your fingers. When we’re done with this hand, we can start on the other one. Satisfactory?”
“Yes,” Athena answered, her tone much softer this time than before.
The difference startled Monti. She looked into Athena’s eyes, the slackness in her jaw, the ashen color just under her skin that her makeup wasn’t quite covering up. Monti took another breath and started slowly. “When I started school for massage therapy, it’s because I was fascinated by the body and how every part of ourselves is interconnected.”
“I don’t need the lecture, Ms. Schroeder.”
“Would you prefer silence?” Monti asked as she slid her thumb along the center of Athena’s palm and up to her fingers.
“Talk about anything other than what you’re doing.” Athena’s voice was breathier than it had been before.
“How many of these books have you read?” Monti watched Athena carefully.
Athena sighed heavily. “Not all of them.”
“But a lot of them?”
“Yes,” Athena agreed. Her body seemed to be getting heavier by the moment.
“Which ones do you prefer?”
What would pull Athena’s attention when she wanted to relax? Monti was pretty sure it wouldn’t be the law books, though maybe if they started reading those Athena would fall asleep.
“Depends on my mood.”
“And what you’re going through at the time, I assume.” Monti moved to Athena’s fingers, skillfully avoiding Athena’s giant wedding ring. She started with her thumb and smoothed the muscles and tension in them. She wished she had grabbed some of the oil in her pocket, but she hadn’t wanted to disrupt Athena even more, and if the touching thing had to do with certain sensations, then oil could make it worse. “I’m also a mood reader.”
“Is that what we’re called?” Athena turned to lock her eyes on Monti’s, and she honestly looked sleepy, as if the tendrils of slumber were pulling at her.
“Yes, ma’am. But my library is electronic. I’d love to have a library like this. It’s gorgeous.”
“Years of collecting.”
“I don’t know where I’d put it. I don’t stay in one place for very long, and I’d hate to move the books so frequently.” Monti finished with Athena’s pinky. “Was that all right?”
“Was what...” Athena trailed off, staring down at her hand in Monti’s. “Oh…yes.”
Had she forgotten Monti was touching her?
“May I have your other hand?”
Wordlessly, Athena lifted her right hand and placed it in Monti’s. The angle was awkward, but Monti didn’t want to scare Athena away. They melted into a soft silence, and it was comfortable. Monti worked while Athena just breathed. She spent a bit of extra time on Athena’s right hand, knowing that the move to her scalp would be a huge ask.
“Ms. Pruitt?” Monti finally asked, her voice calm and quiet. She didn’t want to startle Athena. “Are you ready for the craniosacral massage?”
“The what?”
“Your scalp.” Monti held herself still. “I’ll need to stand behind you.”
“Yes.”
Monti stood up slowly. She moved with care, wanting to make sure that Athena was aware of where she was at all times. Monti brushed the pads of her fingers over the clip holding her hair in the ponytail at the nape of her neck. “Can I take this out? I won’t tangle your hair as much.”
Athena said nothing as she reached up and slipped the clip out. Monti touched her shoulder briefly. “Let me know if you want to stop. Please.”
“I will.”
Monti started at the front of her head. She took everything slowly and step by step. She worked methodically. Athena rested back into the chair, her shoulders tightening and then relaxing. Her hands on the arms were lax, fingers loose. Her breathing became deeper, slower.
Almost scared to look, Monti was certain she had fallen asleep. She finished the massage and slowly moved around the chair. Athena rested with her eyes closed, her lips slightly parted, completely asleep. Smiling, Monti moved to the wall of books and snagged one she’d never read before.
The Tao of Pooh.
Monti sat in the chair she’d left before, sent Fallon a quick text to let her know she was successful and to bar anyone from entering the library, and then she started reading. She could get lost in a book while Athena slept. It was all the payment she needed.
